UWRF men explained to help women
April 6, 2007
As soon as it was published, I regretted promising a “Types of Men” column. Not because I think men are exempt from reproach, but because I wanted to show the opposite side. Like FOX News, I try to be fair and balanced, but there are far fewer stereotypes to work off for men then there are for women. The only stereotype I could find was that “men are all the same,” so I’ve thought about it, and interviewed women, and I now present, “Types of Men.”
We begin the same way as last week, with Mr. Sweet. He’s attentive and caring, jovial without ever being condescending, confident yet humble, he tips well and he’s never had a late charge at the library. When you’re with him, he makes you feel totally secure, both emotionally and physically, and the only thing that separates Mr. Sweet from Mr. Right is, in fact, the length of his penis. Unfortunately, this Prince Charming is a rare guy. The reason our only experience with this type is in fairy tales is because every guy has a vice.
It is on this note that we proceed to Mr. D-B (Dream Boat / Douche Bag). He is a panderer and a philanderer. By every appearance he looks like Mr. Sweet, but it’s all smoke and mirrors, an illusion that he projects to satisfy his master, the diabolical Mr. Winky. He wants you to think he’s sensitive, so he says his favorite movie is “Pretty Woman” or “Maid in Manhattan” or some other piece of manipulative tripe, and he invites you over to his room to watch a flick and play “Girl Talk.” When you get there, he has a guitar prominently displayed. When you ask if he plays, he sheepishly says yes, only to play one of the four Celine Dion or Marc Cohn songs he learned for such a moment. No heterosexual man enjoys “My Heart Will Go On.” I’m serious. Next, is a man who is much the same, he just isn’t a liar about who he is. His name is The Walking Wang, and he would best be described as cocky. His penis, like a divining rod, guides him to the nearest hole. This is a man who oozes profusely with sexuality - at least I hope that’s what it is (or maybe we’ve found a new category of Mr. Gland Disorder). Mr. Wang’s odor can be detected through a vault door. Is that Sex Panther? Nope. It’s the pheromones he’s been secretly harvesting from the animals on the lab farm. Strong enough for a horse, P.H. balanced for a woman, but given this guy’s chances for success, the ability to attract and arouse sheep may come in handy. Luckily, there is a way to control him. The fact that he uses his penis as a guide can work against him. When you get tired of this game, hit the cancel button by mashing down the top button.
Finally, there is Mr. Nice Guy. (aka MC Snoozefest) He lives by the mantra, “nice guys finish last,” and accuses women of going for brash, boarish boys instead of those who could treat them right. Yeah, that’s true, but those “bad boys” have something you don’t, a backbone (or possibly good looks). He never asks. He just waits. Ladies, please be encouraging. They don’t know you’d rather be doing something on a Friday night as opposed to nothing. They don’t get that you’re waiting for them, nor do they understand that flirting is natural. Please, save them from a future in their mother’s basement.
I again find myself running out of space. Spring has sprung, and whether you are consciously looking or not, physiologically, it’s sexy time, so give these guys a look. I am all too aware of how seemingly shallow the dating pool on campus is; hell, it’s a freakin’ puddle, especially since it’s a 60-40 split on campus, but in the meantime, tread water until something big comes your way.
Kris Evans is a student at UW-River Falls.