Opinion
Horoscopes by Beth: December 15
December 13, 2017
“Lo, how does thy in possession of silly effeminate wiles approach the holiday of Christ? How may I be certain of the rightfulness of my actions if I am but a peasant, unaware of the planet’s alignment and their tricks within thy fate?”
This is what you probably thought this morning, but don’t worry because your friendly neighborhood reviewer is here to read those planets and align those signs for you.
I know what you’re thinking: “Beth all you do is review weird romance movies and go to Aldi with your mom.”
Well, you’re not wrong, because that is completely true. However, you are likely unaware that my talents are far more marketable than my ability to consume bad romance movies of my own free will.
Because I am psychic as heck.
Just this past week my roommates have been delighted by my ability to catch the microwave at the last second, saving them from waking up at two in the morning to witness my nightly macaroni and cheese.
I have predicted breakups of which a religious figure of importance could not see coming. Even the breaker was not sure it would happen, but I knew, I encouraged.
I have woken up before my alarm repeatedly this semester.
I am so psychic, in fact, that my boyfriend recognized my psychic psychicness and bought me a tarot deck. As soon as alcohol may legally touch my lips, I will be able to channel the powers of divination of the unconsciousness and tell fortunes from within my mind’s depths.
Most importantly, I have looked at the moon and thought to myself, “Yeah, that’s a pretty nice moon, tomorrow’s going to be a good day for me.”
And thus, tomorrow was a good day for me!
Thus, it has been a duty given to me—nay, granted to me!--to tell you about how the planets have aligned for you in specific.
And those who were born kind of around the same time as you.
Aries
As the ram, you are prone to occasionally ramming into things, mainly doors and children’s dreams.
This month is a good month to do it. Venus and Earth have aligned in a way that would make ramming things beneficial for your health. I’m not saying that you should, like, ram your head into your tests or anything, unless of course Venus is whispering that to you.
Then, I guess, yes?
Taurus
Did you know there’s supposed to be a meteor shower either tonight or sometime soon? Apparently, there’s supposed to be. I hope there is. If there’s a meteor shower, then please make sure to note this to Dr. Korenic (of Astrology 101 fame), as Jupiter’s position says that you should acknowledge awesome professors.
Gemini
You know how Jamie Lee Curtis always smiles in the Activia commercials despite definitely being aware that her yogurt brand is the one most well known for fiber content Keep her in mind as you approach this month. Pitfalls will be plentiful and you should check your suspension because otherwise you’re going to be shaken.
Cancer
The fault is not in your stars. You’re going to find a tall handsome stranger this month.
I can’t really describe what they’ll look like or be like, so you’ll probably miss them in line at Chipotle or something. Blame Venus and Neptune for not being in a position of clarity for me.
Leo
You’re going to take long naps and short trips to Target, as Mercury is out of the Target range. Consider this a blessing, since Target will have plentiful items within the $1-5 range. Those things add up, my Leo.
Virgo
You’re going to find lots of stray cats this month. Jupiter and Mercury are in the cat position in relation to your side. Just remember that not every cat you find is your own.
Libra
I think that Libra is the lobster or crab thingy? I’m not fully sure. Rest assured, however, Neptune is in position and you will be going to Red Lobster. Not by someone with Beyoncé level money, so you won’t be eating the whole ocean.
But the bread’s pretty nice.
Scorpio
According to the Facebook memes Scorpios are supposedly very mean.
This month Mercury, Earth, a planet beginning with an A and Neptune are aligned. It’s time for you to maybe not be mean. Though, if you wanna, good for you, go for it.
Whatever the heck the new one is
What even are you, who are you? Why are you?
Ponder these questions for a month or so. Jupiter’s in a really bad position for clarity in relation to wherever your star sign is located.
Sagittarius
It either is or was your birthday week. This is great for you and all and you’re going to feel really pleased about it for like a hot minute.
But it’s okay, your birthday is just another day for people and no one really cares. Eat some pudding, buy some leg warmers and marathon "Sabrina the Teenage Witch." Despite it all, you’re worth it, baby.
Capricorn
It’s been a weird month for you and it’s about to get weirder. You know what I mean man, don’t go lingering around any corners or anything because it’s just a bad time. Pluto is in the corner of Saturn’s shadow right now and it’s giving you some vibes.
Aquarius
Saturn’s ringing out on you, man. This would be a good time to catch some gnarly waves and frost the tips of your hair. Nothing appeases the Saturn saint more than frosted tips and board shorts.
Pisces
Avoid squirrels and knee-high socks this month. Your moon is in the anti-above-the-knee-squirrel-living zone and it’s not good for your mojo.
If you avoid these things entirely, your mojo will be through the roof. Dance in public or flirt with a barista or something.