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Bernie is the (Jack) black comedy you need to see

January 31, 2018

I love Jack Black.

It’s not a joke, as many people may mistakenly believe.

When I was seven, I saw "Nacho Libre" and I knew, deep within my heart, that I loved Jack Black. If given the opportunity in my youth, I likely would have married Jack Black. Unfortunately, there are far more beautiful and talented women in this world, therefore such an idea is only a hypothetical.

But I would marry Jack Black.

When I saw Valentine’s Day creeping closer on the calendar, I did not follow the common logic and begin to review romance movies, no.

I followed my heart straight to this dark comedy station to board the Jack Black murdering train.

I did that not only because I love him, not only because I love myself—but also because I love you guys.

Every single one of the four people who read my column.

Bernie is a semi-documentary, semi-mockumentary about a mortician who murders one of his dearest friends. It’s based off a real-life case and focuses in on the major babe known as Jack Black.

Jack Black is Bernie, a well-respected cadaver rearranger who lives in the Texas town of Carthage. He is like the Davinci of the dead. Cadavers are canvases and this man is Davinci-ing all up on them.

He loves Jesus and making people smile, which is the type of guy your grandma believes you should take home.

Speaking of your grandma…

So Jack Black begins this friendship/implied relationship with this older woman.

I say older woman, but it’s more like the devil.

This lady is a greedy grandma who is looking for a sweet sinful boy to be her sugar baby.

She cons her siblings out of all this money, runs the bank, devoids people of money and just randomly screams at everyone.

At one point they talk to her hairdresser and ask if he believed it when Jack Black’s character says, “She can’t come in, she says you take too long and charge too much.” (Spoiler: She’s dead by then.)

And the hairdresser dude makes a face like, “Yeah? You think she wouldn’t?”

Her own sister stops seeing her because she is an eldritch abomination of an elderly adult.

This lady is all mad at everyone, firing people left and right, mad at plants for not blooming fast enough; And then she starts yelling at Jack Black.

Baby freaking Black.

Actual angel sent to us from heaven Jack Black.

And Jack Black is like, “You know what, you’re mean and you suck. Pew pew person.”

And the lady is all like, “Oh no I have been shot, I am dead.”

And then Jack Black is wondering where to put something so horrible in this world and is like, “Oh, the freezer.”

So anyway, this lady is dead. Dead with a capital D, Dead.

And Jack Black is wondering what to do, whether to tell the police or what. But then he takes her money and thinks, “I’m going to do good things with this money and be a very good good guy to many good people in this good town full of good opportunities and a good god.”

He buys kids swing sets, helps open boot stores. He is the man that I believe the true Jack Black to be.

But he kinda forgets about the adult side of things, that you can not be a financial Jesus and neglect previous responsibilities. This mean a stock broker man decides to act like, “I am going to be mean to Bernie because I am mean and that is my only character trait.” And the police begin to look for the mean ladie's mean old body.

And they find her.

Bernie is arrested, as you do, and the policeman tries to get him on premeditated murder. But the thing is, everyone loves Bernie and no one likes the lady, so every single juror they could possibly get is already biased against the case. When Bernie says that this lady emotionally abused him they all nod, because that seems like something she would do. Unfair advances? Nod. Ruined the lives of all those around her? A big nod.

No love is lost between Bernie and the community when they finally find an unbiased jury to decide his fate. They still visit him and sprinkle him with attention as he is in jail.

The movie ends with a beautiful man walking into a beautiful jail cell, but blesses us with pictures of Jack Black in the credits.

10/10 great movie.