Columnist explains UWRF women
March 23, 2007
For the last year and a half, I have been a member of a very secret and special club, the He-Man Woman Haters Club. It was started by Alf-Alfa and Spanky and all the rest of the Little Rascals from the classic show “Our Gang.” The fact that it’s a club created by six-year-olds of the 1930s doesn’t make it any less real in my heart (I’m still waiting on my decoder ring). And, as a member, I’m here to offer advice in this time of need.
Judging by the sight of many couples on campus holding hands, kissing, heavy petting and the sounds of moaning coming from rooms 404, 405, 406 and 408, spring has sprung. If you missed it, it was when you heard a collective BOING sound across campus.
Men, there are many types of women across campus, and I want to help you understand and sift through some of them. What are my qualifications? I’ve dated a few women. Believe it or not, I’m mostly only a dick when I’m writing my columns. Seriously, ask my friend.
First off, there is Miss Sweet. She loves life and is very upbeat. She isn’t mean spirited or catty, and being around her makes you want to be a better person. Well, sorry fellahs, but most of these women were snapped up a long time ago. Since it’s the second semester, you’re already too late. The best you can do in the meantime is be the “best guy friend” to this girl until her bonehead boyfriend does something stupid and breaks up with her. Then like a very supportive yet ruthless pterodactyl, you swoop in. (Whew, I had to go to my dino dictionary, but it was worth it.)
Next is Miss Pretty-but- Shallow. I can’t stand empirically beautiful women. Their ability to use their good looks has atrophied their brains. If you want model good looks, you’ll have to suffer though dates that run like an episode of “Maui Fever,” where “so” is a quantifying adjective and “like” is used for everything (except to show affection or to make a simile). If that last part went over your head, fuck it, go for it. I’d do her, you know what I’m sayin’ dawg! Shit, yeah!
On the opposite end of the spectrum is Miss-Smart-and-Romantically-Retarded. She’s witty, creative, knowledgeable, but has barely dated. She has spent many late nights studying models of male genitalia, but it just ruins the mood when she says she wants to engulf your corpus cavernosum with her labia majora. Gross! What, she couldn’t say something romantic like, “let’s bone.” Actually now that I think of it, that science talk might really get some guys going. I think the Chem Demons will be experimenting with the elasticity of ribbed latex this week.
Finally, we have Miss Alpha-Female (aka The Whip Master). It’s not about equality with this one; it’s about wearing the pants. She will beat you into submission and use sex as a form of positive reinforcement like some kind of dirty doggy treat. Soon you’ll be walking a step behind her with your eyes on the ground and your dick tucked between your legs.
Men, be strong. With so many types of women running around, you’re bound to find love. The trick to finding love is to find a woman who is dysfunctional in all the same ways you are. And finally, be picky, unless you’re ugly and have a terrible personality. Tune in next week for “Types of Men.”
Kris Evans is a student at UW-River Falls.