Opinion
Horoscopes with Beth: Sunny with a chance of sass
April 11, 2018
Aries
You’re going to post a lot on Snapchat this week, but not about things that people actually care about. You’ll probably make the equivalent of a stop motion of you blinking then add a fun caption that says something along the lines of, “OMG, actually, like, the way I look today, even though my hair is a little messy, lol.”
I mean, all for the self-love but… 10 outfit pics does not the world need.
Taurus
You are gonna chew on a lot of ice this week.
Like not in a weird sports metaphor way, unless that’s what you’re into. I mean, you’re going to chew legitimate ice this week and I guess you’re feel pretty okay about this.
Still bad for your teeth, though.
Gemini
You’re gonna meet a bro named Steve. Steve’s gonna tell you that he can do all these gnarly tricks and all, and you’re going to be like:
Wow, Steve.
But eventually the bromance will end. Steve can only parkour himself to the nearest park bench so many times before it wears on your nerves.
Cancer
You are going to lay dormant for another month.
Congrats buddy.
Leo
You’re going to have one of those weird conversations that happen once every five years, where someone begins to describe how they got a scar and the rest just sort of join in. This won’t bother you until you read this column, then you’ll pretty much think to yourself, “Yeah, you do have that conversation like once every five years or so…”
Virgo
Virgo, this week you are going to be petty. Everyone else is going to be all like, “Oh my god, I love Jaclyn.” But you? You’re going to remember the one time that Jaclyn didn’t return your chapstick and be out for blood.
Just buy a new Eos, bruh.
Libra
You’re either only going to wear basketball shorts or Adidas sandals this week. This doesn’t make you a bad person, but it does really weird other people out. Buy some adult shoes that can handle our changing weather. Cover the lower half of your leg.
Scorpio
You’re a Chipotle fan, but this week you’re going to have to branch out.
Maybe you’ll go to Taco Bell or Qdoba; you’re just going to start finding better burritos elsewhere. The place you find probably won’t have cilantro in the rice, which makes it easier to convince people that their food is good. Accept this change and move on; we can’t always go to Chipotle.
Sagittarius
You have realized something very important this week.
What you have realized is that the girl who writes the horoscopes for the Student Voice may or may not make up the horoscopes every week. You’re in denial about it, of course. She said in one column she had a tarot deck … how can this not be real? I mean, the corn in a cup recipe; that was good, this has to be real.
It’s probably not.
Capricorn
You broke something this week. Whether it’s your femur or just your will to live, it’s just straight up broken.
This is what you get for trying to pitch uphill gymnastics as a club. Capricorn, be satisfied with normal gymnastics.
Aquarius
Arbor Day is coming up, and you’re the only person who has really remembered. Everyone else knows it’s a holiday and are vaguely aware of its placement in spring, but you have like 10 Google calendar alerts up for this bad boy.
It’s okay man, Arbor Day is a cool holiday and every day we get a little closer.
Pisces
Have you been knitting? Texting real fast? Just being like an art major or something? Because your hands are gonna look bomb this week; like the whole week. You’re going to look down and be like, “Wow I have nice hands.”
And boy, do you.