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Horoscopes by Beth: It’s hot and my brain is melting

April 25, 2018


What a week.

You’ve been wondering where your horoscope has been, on and off for the past month, and this week, most of all, you needed it. Don’t worry, young Aries (or professor); I heard you call and here I stand.

This week you’re going to jump off of so many things. None of them will be high and no one will be impressed. You’re going to jump off stairs, benches and that tiny bridge outside of south forks suites that keeps peoples’ feet from getting wet.

And you’re going to jump into a head start on those finals projects.

You know the ones, the eight or so papers and various dioramas that you have put off for about roughly… three months? It’s time, my little jumping fool.


You’re going to buy things you don’t need from an online store. They’re going to seem like great ideas at the moments, but lo’ that Amazon box doth cometh and reality doth knock with it. What’s inside? Disappointment and a wasted twenty dollars. It’s okay Taurus, we’ve all been there.


Light showers are expected on Tuesday with a 60 percent chance of precipitation. You’re the only sign that knows this and I’ll tell you why – you need, like, a fun fact or something to make new friends.

I mean, your old friends are cool and everything, but their warranty is running out and they’re getting dusty.


You don’t realize how much other people love you.

Sometimes you fear that others do not like you or are faking their reactions – worry about this less. You are a thoroughly enjoyed person and there are many people who would take several buses for you … if like you were in their way on the sidewalk and the bus was totally coming for you.

Drink some water Cancer, take some time for yourself and just really appreciate who you are.


You’re going to have an existential crisis where you wonder what it is you are doing with your life and whether school was a good idea.

That really sucks bro. To be honest, in those situations I just watch “Sailor Moon” or “Bob’s Burgers.” But Saturn is in the giving mood, so spaghetti rings are the key to your inner peace.


You’re that one guy in a dorm who no one really has a set opinion on but everyone recognizes. Just like one of the many men with mullets on this campus, you are identifiable by very few traits but are super well-known. This is probably because of the moon – the moon is a shady place.

How do you plan to change this, my man? Probably through karaoke night. Everyone’s heads are gonna be turning when you walk up there with your rendition of, “I love playing with fire” (The Runaways, circa 1977).


Your lucky number this week is three.


You’re going to lose a water bottle this week, and that’s going to suck. Mainly because you don’t want to do the dishes, but none of the other water bottles are clean so now you can either be perpetually thirsty or do something productive. I mean, it’s a big mood but maybe you should slip out of it.


You just wake up this week and at one point you’re going to realize that Jack Black is alive. He’s beautiful, gorgeous, funny, handsome, kind, hot, smart, rugged and husky. Man, Jack Black looks like he smells of bark and generic cologne. This is gonna sound super comforting to you this week.

Like, dang, Jack Black; what a gift.


It’s a bad hair week. We’ve all been there, but maybe stop thinking to yourself that you’re going to cut it all off. The second you chop it off, your head’s gonna feel super light. However, you’re going to wonder if this is what you really wanted or just a major freak out.

Also maybe stop eating raw pasta and junk? Just a side note: It makes your planet chart all weird and though the crunch is good, is it worth messing with the stars?


Wow, you’re having a good week. Apparently, sweaters weren’t your thing and, you know, tank tops make you look super good. Congrats, you’re in the minority. You’re going to attract some awesome tank friends, who are like other friends who only wear tanks and play an awful lot of frisbee. Get good, bruh.


It’s summer and you’re ready to get your tan on. After you apply your fifth coat of sunscreen to lay on the school lawn, your skin is going to be feeling pretty slick. This is good because you have to do some hardcore exfoliation before you can put a coat of the gentle skin spray tanner on.