Student Voice


November 29, 2023




Drunken NFL Draft chronicles

May 4, 2007

Hello, literates. I'm Mark Haley, and by the end of this column, I'll be wrecked. After all, it's the NFL Draft: my drinking holiday. The draft is about to start, and I want to leave more room for future drunk Mark to write, so I'm going to grab my first Corona Light and reheat some Domino's pizza. I'll check in throughout the day.

9:56 a.m.: The first beerski is open. And we're off!

10:52 a.m.: The people in Radio City Music Hall are booing the Virginia Tech alumni during the victims' commemoration speech. Classy, New York. I need another beer.

11:20 a.m.: JaMarcus Russell and his sideways ears are finally announced as the number one pick. Only an hour and a half until my Vikings pick.

11:54 a.m.: Fuck you, Boomer. Stop saying all the picks two seconds before the commissioner comes to the podium.

12:04 p.m.: The Cardinals just took bad, bad Levi Brown, the biggest bust in the whole damn round. I'm getting excessively amped about the Vikings pick, with Adrian Peterson, Brady Quinn, and LaRon Landry all still on the board. This is going to get ugly when they pass on all of them.

12:17 p.m.: The Redskins just "snubbed" us of "LeBron" Landry, as the commissioner announced. But the joke's on them, with the Vikings on the clock, and Adrian Peterson the most likely pick. I'm going to kill myself if we don't take the big Peter... either that or drink a whole bunch more beerskies.

12:28 p.m.: The Vikings select Adrian Peterson. To celebrate, I'm going to drink a whole bunch more beerskies. By the way, we're lining up our finished beers on the heater and I'm currently three beers ahead of everyone else.

12:51 p.m.: Wow! The Dolphins just took Ted Ginn, Jr. over Brady Quinn, and the cocky, smug goober now begins his free fall. Now this is entertainment. Cheers to that.

1:14 p.m.: I suppose I should mention one of the people I'm drinking with is the most hated UWRF student since Kris Evans: Paul Winkels. Hopefully I don't supplant him by the end of this column by writing something negative about those stupid chemistry majors in my drunkenness.

1:48 p.m.: Time for some more pizza. I want to thank Domino's for only charging me $7.37 for three medium cheese pizzas last night.

1:49 p.m.: I want to apologize for getting the fine employees at Domino's fired for printing that.

2:13 p.m.: Thank God the Packers didn't take Brady Quinn. Long live Brett Favre throwing more interceptions. Was it just me or was one of the 6-year-old kids drinking a brewski? Speaking of, brewski for you-ski? Yes please.

3:01 p.m.: I just realized the Lions aren't going to trade Calvin Johnson to the Bucs and the Vikings are going to have to face him twice a year. Shitballs.

3:18 p.m.: Brady Quinn finally gets drafted by the Browns. We're happy for him.

3:31 p.m.: I'm so Be-bopped at this point. But everyone else is still Rock steady. I gotta get them all another round of beer.

3:42 p.m.: A couple of minutes ago, I spilled marinara sauce all over the carpet in my apartment. I just got done cleaning up the mess in patented halfass fashion.

5:18 p.m.: The first round is now over. I've drank 12 cervezas. Haley sleepy.

6:07 p.m.: Vikings on the clock for their second pick. If we take Dwayne Jarrett, I'm going to shotgun three beersss.

6:11 p.m.: The room has erupted into tears. We've just traded the pick to the Atlanta Fuckthems.

6:29 p.m.: Of course, ESPN cuts to commercial as soon as it's time for the Vikings to pick. And the poop-fest continues once the action resumes as the scrolly-guy on the bottom of the screen lets us know Sidney Rice, the wide receiver from South Carolina, has been selected by Minnesota. Super. We just drafted Troy Billiamson, Williamson's brother from the shitty version of USC instead of the Trojan stud from the real USC.

8:39 p.m.: Almost time for the Vikings third round pick. I have no idea what's going on. I'm drunk, bored and tired. Can I stop blogging now?

8:56 p.m.: Zzzzzzzzzzz

Mark Haley is a student at UW-River Falls.