Tips from a graduating senior
April 27, 2007
In two short weeks, I will be graduating and leaving the school I have become so fond of. In four years, I have met a lot of great people and had a lot of fun times. It will be sad to leave it all behind and enter the working world. I thought it would be a good idea to give a parting gift to the student body by endowing them with a few helpful tips that will make their college experience that much better; tips I wish I had known for my entire collegiate career.
Let's start with parking. Parking can be rough, especially in the wintertime when walking a long way could possibly kill you. Would you believe me if I told you that there is a way you could put something on your window that would let you park anywhere on campus and never get a ticket? If you still believe me, you might start doubting me when I tell you it would only cost you $12.50. Here's how you do it. Park illegally and get a $25 dollar ticket. If you pay immediately, it is cut in half to $12.50. Here's the key: pay for it online. That way, you can keep the ticket envelope. Now, whenever you park illegally, you can slap that envelope on your window so it looks like you've already been ticketed, thus you don't get a real ticket. Goodbye two-mile walk; hello handicap parking space!
This next tip is one that will make you the coolest kid in class. It's tough to strive to be a class clown in college. You may think it is tough and you'd never be funny enough to make people laugh. That's when you're wrong. In college, it's extremely easy to be the class clown. The key to being funny in class is very simple. You only need two punch-lines in your back pocket: "George W. Bush" and "Yeah, like Fox News." I'll give you a few examples. In science class, the professor is talking about organisms. She asks, "What is the term for an oceanic organism with no brain and no ganglia to coordinate movement?" Your response is "George W. Bush." The class erupts in laughter.
In history class, your professor mentions that he remembers someone telling him that Abraham Lincoln invented the chocolate chip, but follows it up by saying, "Let's just say it came from a not-so-reliable source." That's your cue. "Yeah, like Fox News." While the class is rolling on the floor with laughter and jubilee (ROTFWLAJ for you instant messengers), you hit them with this little ditty; "More like UN-fair and UN-balanced." Don't come complaining to me when that kind of cute, extremely liberal girl won't stop calling you.
I'll finish with a monster of a tip. The final tip is that you should drop everything right now and become an art major. If you don't know what you want to major in, become an art major. If you don't like your current field of study, become an art major. Even if you love elementary education and are happy with your progress through college, switch to an art major. It's such an obvious choice. You will be able to laze your way through college. Imagine this scenario: you wake up on a Monday morning and suddenly you realize that your big project is due. You had completely forgotten about it, and it has to be submitted in 10 minutes. In any other major, you are done for, but if you're an art major, all you have to do is be "creative". Find a piece of 8x11 notebook paper, go outside and scoop up a piece of dog excrement. Then, bring it inside, smear it all over the paper and sprinkle glitter on it. When your professor asks you what it's called, you say, "I call it 'The Iraq War.' I was being ironic." Actually, call it whatever you want. The key is saying that you were being ironic. The teacher will invent a new grade on the spot, one that is higher than an "A," and award it to you. Other art pieces you could make: glue a rock to a stick. It's easy to find and quick to build. As far as public displays, take the garbage from your bathroom and throw it all over the grass by KFA. As long as you label it as a piece of art, it'll make sense to someone. Alittle glitter wouldn't hurt either.
But seriously, get out and enjoy college. Get involved in a group, do things with your classmates, even chat it up with your professor in the University Center. You're only here for a certain amount of time, so get out and enjoy it before suddenly you're sitting in a bar at age 30, reminiscing about the good times. The good times are now.
Paul Winkels is a student at the University of Wisconsin-River Falls.