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“Mascots” is the movie to watch this Valentine’s Day


February 13, 2018

“Mascots”: more like mass consumer entertainment.

Fun, not interesting or cool fact for my five readers: Columns are not actually written on the day that a paper comes out if you’re a weekly paper. That is, they aren’t written that way most of the time.

This kind of obvious fact doesn’t really stand out in my columns unless you get close to or pass a major holiday. Like Valentine’s Day, for instance. I am going to be sitting in the Student Voice office editing the Viewpoints page on Valentine’s Day, and our Etcetera editor Gloria will be editing this review, which would have been written two days prior. The paper will then come out on a Thursday night but likely not be read by the masses (the professors and bored people waiting in the hallway) until Friday morning.

Thus the date on the paper.

Why is this important?

Because I am going to (or going have) watched the heck outta this movie for Valentine’s Day with my boyfriend.

I know what you’re thinking, looking up at that big old title that says, “Mascots”. “Bethany, he is going to leave you. Why would you subject anyone to that?”

But lo’ and behold my chosen five, for I have found a remarkably good movie. Is it Jack Black good? I mean, he’s not in it so that really sucks, but…

Yo, this movie is the bomb.com. I’m talking about an international mascot competition in the middle of nowhere. Possibly televised by the gluten-free network.

Let’s meet the contenders:

The guy who dresses as a huge fist: spoiler, he raises the middle finger of his mascot suit and it is disturbing.

This guy is a dude known for many roles. He is the dude who plays the police officer in the movie “Bridesmaids” and also the guy who voices the narrator in the best-children’s-show-of-all-time, “Puffin Rock” (that’s right – he narrates the heck outta Oona and Baba). The actor’s name is Chris O’Dowd.

In this movie, he is not narrating cute puffins as they learn about sharing and loving one another (on their lit-tle is-laaaaaaand). This dude, who I’m just going to nickname Seamus, is a sex offender who is banned from many arenas due to his lewd acts.

He kinda has sex with everyone in this movie and smokes a lot of weed, therefore he only has one friend who is super done with him. He’s here for the gold, though: to be the best mascot there can be.

Contenders number two and three: Shouty and How-is-he-Doing-That (who should be divorced).

These two are married and have a few kids. Shouty is a turtle in their act and she really cares about it. She thinks if they win this trophy then maybe it will save her marriage. Nothing can save her marriage, however, because she is married to How-is-he-Doing-That.

How-is-he-Doing-That is a beady little man – a literal weed of a person. He is so long and grotesque that it hurts my very soul. His eyes are sunken into his skull and his upper jaw is further distended from his face by at least a few inches.

He is gross.

He is so gross.

Also, he’s an octopus mascot, but who cares? If a naked mole rat was starving and given a tacky toupee, that’s How-is-he-Doing-That.

I call him How-is-he-Doing-That because he manages to have sex with two of the most attractive characters in this movie who are:

Barbie and Dollar Tree Barbara, the posable fashion doll.

So Barbie and Barbara are sisters, but only one is really performing. This is Dollar Tree (Barbara). Barbie is beautiful and perfect and pink, she’s recently divorced and her life sucks, which is why I was all like, “Good for you, honey,” when she got with the fist man, but then all, “Oh, honey no,” when she slept with How-is-he-Doing-That.

Dollar Tree is performing as an armadillo who gets hit by a car. She has a very long and confusing act that is basically an interpretive dance about being an armadillo and a person?

It was weird.

Anyway, she got sick so Barbie had to do her super-disturbing routine.

Next contender: Mario.

Mario is the man who dresses up in a plumber costume and chases a poop across the stage. He came with the partial intention of getting some. However, women do not like men who chase poop. Also, his coach is super gross and kinda offensive to a little person.

Next up: Precious Baby Sugar Plum Child.

He’s a hedgehog and the best thing in the world. He just wants to make his dad happy and people laugh. His wife loves him and I love him. Every single time he went on screen I went to reach for it but had to remind myself that I can never have such perfection.

There’s other people in the movie, but nobody cares about them.

So there’s basically just a ton of sex and drugs at this convention for mascots, people fighting each other and just….

Wow, wow it was good. It’s hard to talk about it without spoiling the movie, and it’s hard to want to spoil the movie.

Listen, I’m going to be real with you: it’s on Netflix. Nine out of 10 college students have Netflix. Either go on your account and watch this, or go on the account you stole and watch this.

Ten back-flipping pencil mascots out of ten.