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Harry Potter is slowly being ruined by J.K. Rowling’s expanded universe


October 25, 2017

For years of my life I have been a Harry Potter fan. I have obsessed over the movies, books, and events associated with those things. I own “Harry Potter, A History” and display it prominently on my shelf. When Pottermore came out, I weaseled my way into the Beta and rejoiced at the website’s many quirks.

But I have to draw a line, and that line begins at Wizards poops.

J.K. Rowling tweeted in January of this year about what wizards did before plumbing was invented.

Before the Chamber of Secrets, what was the secret?

No one fully asked for this, no one really wanted this, but low and behold; Rowling thought it fit to inform us. Wizards simply pooped themselves standing up, then vanished away the excrement.

Draco Malfoy is a magical racist who thinks the guys who pooped themselves were the absolute height of magical evolution. Meanwhile, the rest of the world was using chamber pots.

I thought I could ignore it for a bit, could continue living my life with the horrifying fact that the founders of Hogwarts were simply wishing away their waste.

Then she spoke about what wizards do since there is no sexual health classes (Hint: It’s bad) and declared that Ron Weasley, who she had decided to ruin the lives of many children with, did not deserve Hermione Granger and that it is a mistake they were married.

Hermione Granger should have married really anyone but Ron, said Rowling, years after her final book has been released and the canon is set in stone.

And then the Cursed Child came out, which was largely not written by Rowling.

It’s not even a spoiler because it’s not a large part of the plot: Scorpius (Malfoy’s nonracist son) and Albus Severus Potter (WHO HARRY NAMED AFTER THE WORST PEOPLE) basically get owned by the Trolley witch in that play. Out of nowhere, for no reason, the sweet witch who provides the students with candy basically goes mad monster on them and turns into a beast.

On top of that, a formerly dead character is saved from the brink of death and decides that, while the whole nearly killed by Voldemort thing wasn’t great, I’m gonna become a Death Eater now.

J.K. Rowling makes the wizarding world worse with every single tweet. The only thing that is good coming out of the continuation of the Harry Potter series is the “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them” series. Every time we journey outside of that realm, we are introduced to even stranger concepts.

The past is filled with magical pooping racists who just wish away the poops where they stand. The future is filled with despair for Hermione, who likely needs marriage counseling. And Harry? Harry is probably magically balding to the extent where he can no longer magically spell the hair back on his head.

Harry has already died once, so why couldn’t she let the series die with him? This constant degradation of the wizarding world is really starting to weird me out and ruin my childhood.