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Opinion

University Center leprechaun blamed for stealing possessions

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March 5, 2009

So there I was, watching the “Terminator Salvation” movie trailer at a kiosk in the University Center, when I felt a brush against my back. When I turned around to find nobody there minus the girl next to me, I became perplexed. It wasn’t until a few moments later that I found my wallet, keys and cell phone to have vanished. I have never been robbed, and the feeling of loss became almost overbearing. I was about to throw a baby fit when I noticed the tiny green foot steps trailing away from my computer.

It’s that time of the year the one where Americans out drink and celebrate St. Patrick’s Day more than Ireland does. It’s also the one where us mostly German kids get all bent out of shape, wondering just what day of the year we get, and then we try to keep up passing out by 8:30 p.m. Well not me, actually, and having had been ripped off by a damn leprechaun-artist further ignited my rage toward the Irish even more. It was in my destiny to prove that I have what it takes to keep up with the little green prick.

Let’s face it, there’s a leprechaun (artist) loose in our very own UC. After leading a single, vigorous assaulting campaign to retrieve my personal items and failing miserably, I’m offering a campus wide opportunity to seek my redemption.

Now I know most of you are officially perplexed, and you’re thinking but, wait, Brad never loses at anything. While true, I admit I’ve been outdone for the first time in my life. This is why I’m brandishing the ultimate weaponĂ‘public vengeance. With the unstoppable force that is the 7,000 plus UW-River Falls-enknights, we will drive this beast out of existence. However, before you get all pumped, pack your gear and head into a slaughter, I feel I must first relay my first encounter with “Leppy” the Leprechaun.

In preparation for my solo engagement with Leppy, I instilled the help of a UC building manager, Raymond Moore, who’s also an expert in the field of Irish mythology. Before my first reconnaissance mission, I sat down with Moore in hopes of further understanding my enemy.

“He’s a tricky little bugger,” Moore told me, “you need to keep on your toes or he’ll take you out.” I only recently became aware of Leppy’s other adventures in the UC. Apparently, according the other UC staff, Leppy’s been sabotaging custodial equipment (urinating in the carpet/floor cleaner’s water reservoir), stealing ladders from the production workers and even breaking into the information desk’s secure safe. When I was much younger, I ran a pretty tight group of bank robbers, and when we didn’t force our way into vaults, I prided myself and my capability to crack any safe. Even I can’t break the info desk’s safe.

Anyway. “You’ll probably want to take it slow, and too much action right away will draw attention to yourself,” Moore told me. He could see the determination in my eyes and was referring to my hot-headed method’s of search and seizure. Preposterous. I suited up with haste anyway, packing an assortment of weapons, MREs, a battle dress uniform, full Kevlar, nets (thousand pound tested), a GPS, ammunition, tranquilizers, a modified BackWater Humvee, a decommissioned, multi-hundred yard long Ohio class nuclear submarine, a photo of my girlfriend (that I’d later lost in combat-typical cliche, but very true), an outfitted AH-64 Apache attack helicopter and polished boots. I was out to kick some ass.

I stayed in the UC over night, sitting in darkness, listening for my enemy. I neglected to realize that I’d strapped all my equipment to myself. The adrenaline had been so abundant during my suiting up that the fact it had taken me an entire day to squeeze an Army helicopter into my back pocket seemed normal.

Sitting in front of a rusty trash can fire, I saw Leppy approach me, but I couldn’t move. Never have I experienced a more horrific encounter. I had to watch the “fecker” as he stripped me of my goods. That’s almost as bad as the time I led an explorative expedition in the middle of Brazil only to encounter giant spiders who ripped my team to pieces. I could only watch.

I blacked out and woke up in the middle of the lower level of the UC as people stared at my broken spirit. Well I’m back at it. Now I need your help. Go to the UC and find this THING. Take him down! I’ll get you a reward. I want my wallet back-it has my library card in it and I refuse to pay $1 for a replacement. Until next time, Godspeed. The color green, even though my favorite, is a tainted one.

Brad Brookins is a graduate of UW-River Falls.