Second offenders to be met with punishment of servitude
December 4, 2008
Welcome back, ladies and gentleman. I was reading the latest issue of The Student Voice and I came across a very interesting letter to the editor. Actually, if I recall correctly, it was the only letter to the editor.
Anyhoo. So there I was, lounging in my apartment listening to the sweet sounds of Tommy Emmanuel’s “Guitar Boogie” when I read this letter adverting attention to the notorious Public Safety reports section of The Student Voice. I’ll admit right this second that when I am not featured in this paper, I always motion directly for these often monotonous student disciplinary write-ups.
So our friend wrote to the editor complaining about how brash we are in reporting our fellow students. Agreed, sir, agreed. We should not judge each other behind the mask of this mass media. I feel that first offenses should be completely omitted from the paper because, c’mon, everyone deserves a second chance, or everyone makes mistakes, or everyone has the right to be a complete idiot every once in a while.
Give ‘em a break! It happens, I understand, you just had to run that red light, or you just had to reach for the glove compartment for your insurance card only to have your entire drug paraphernalia collection spill out in plain sight of the arresting officer’s seven foot Maglite. If I were to write a letter to the editor right now, it would read like this:
Dear Student Voice,
I appreciate your concern for the student population’s well being, and for giving me a very easy method to strike conversation with girls in passing under all circumstances, but give the first offenses a break, please.
Now that we have that taken care of, let’s move on to bigger and better things: The second offenders. What’s up with that? Third offenses? FOURTH OFFENSE drinking tickets in the dorms? That’s unbelievable.
Last year I read about a seventeen year old in Crabtree Hall who was cited a third drinking ticket. Are you kidding me? Since he was only seventeen and legally not considered an adult, I’ll leave him outta this. It’s the fourth and fifth offenders I want a crack at. I’m sorry, but it’s time to take a stand.
Freshman who come into the dorms and strike up a tally with Public Safety obviously are not in it out of stupidity. They’re proud of it, so it’s time to break the pride.
I’m happy to report that I have received not a single request to leave campus, so I’m retiring my title as Commander and Chief of all Off-Campus Travel. This week I’m instating myself as Public Humiliation Master Gunnery Sergeant.
Anyone who’s charged with a second offense of anything will become my personal butler. For example: should you find yourself at the ass end of a failed underage breathalyzer test anywhere on campus, you can rest assured there will be a personally handwritten letter under your door the following morning. You’ll be required to report to my place of residence at the mere snap of my fingers.
For one week you will perform measly duties for me, such as cleaning my room, driving me around town at your expense and even writing my columns for the voice.
I’ll save my particular favorite task for the weak, stubborn and especially proud group of multiple offenders - and for this I’ll need two people. I’ll need one offender as my salter, and one for my pepperer. At the snap of my fingers you both must salt and pepper whatever’s on my plate.
I’m a picky eater, so if you think of yourself as a potential candidate for the Public Safety section of the paper, it would be best for you to practice your salting and peppering. Truth be told, I don’t even like pepper, but I’ll still need you to pepper my meal, so you better find a way to mask the taste.
Some of you might be wondering, “but Brad, what have you got to threaten us with?” Should you not show up for roll call the immediate morning after your second drinking ticket, there’ll be hell to pay.
I’ll write the Public Safety report section myself with gratuitous detail of each and every offender; mostly the description of the crime, what was said, how it was said, in what tone of voice things were said, side comments made by bystanders and passerby’s, details of the location of the crime, and, of course, a list of the offenders relatives and their contact information.
I can’t wait.
Brad Brookins is a graduate of UW-River Falls.