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Opinion

Law enforcers should be well-equipped

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October 11, 2007

It has come to my attention that in recent weeks, both our on-campus Public Safety officers and the local RFPD officers have stepped up security around our quaint little town of River Falls. This is made obvious when you take a gander at our police blotter, which has bloated and swelled recently with reports of underage consumption and other atrocious crimes. Let me say right now: rock on. I support completely these officers’ brave and heroic efforts. These immoral youngsters are poisoning themselves with alcohol, which leads to unwanted babies, STDs and oftentimes death. I could actually write several articles on the subject of how alcohol is dooming today’s youth, but I have something more important to focus on. In order to really punish minors who are caught sipping on wine coolers, I think we should improve the way our officers do their job. In short, we need to make them infinitely more badass.

First of all, appearance is key. I think our tax dollars would be well served in making these officers look more like the party-busting, ass-kicking urban soldiers they are. Instead of the usual navy blue garb, let’s opt for matte black Kevlar vests and perhaps bandoliers of high-yield, expanded-range fragmentation grenades. These anti-personnel grenades are sure to strike everyone within thirty yards of the explosion with red-hot shrapnel. Perfect for busting house parties! To go along with this, I think our officers should carry canisters of VX nerve gas. Well, perhaps this deadly biological weapon is going a little overboard for the purposes of busting minors. But just the threat of this stuff should be enough to get even the most belligerently drunk students surrendering their 40s within seconds.

I also think officers should wear heavy-duty, steel-toed combat boots with spurs on the heels. It doesn’t matter if they ride horses or not, spurs are just awesome. Match these boots with a pair of urban-camo pants and a huge effing bowie knife, and we got ourselves a police force that looks as merciless as it acts. There could also be a few changes involving the use of force to take down bogies. Right now, I don’t think officers employ weapons of any kind when busting minors. To become more effective, I think we should encourage the use of non-lethal weaponry. For instance, I encourage officers to use tasers on students who appear even the slightest bit upset that they’re being charged almost $200 for drinking alcohol. But tasing someone can become problematic; drunken students may vomit if they’re hit with a blast of painful electricity. Another alternative is rubber bullets. You can bet that these underage criminals will give up and sober up after being hit with an explosion of rubber bullets. As long as the officers don’t shoot someone in the face with these projectiles, they can remain a viable and useful option.

All in all, I just want our police force to have the tools and freedom it needs to do its job. When the streets of River Falls are crawling with underage demons fueling their wickedness with the forbidden fruits of alcohol, only a badass police force wielding grenades, tasers and nerve gas can save the day.

Joe Hager is a student at UW-River Falls.