Carrots and meat to be outlawed
March 2, 2007
When I am elected president, the first thing I’m going to do is make carrots and red meat illegal.
I will, because I don’t like carrots or red meat. No one in the United States will be allowed to sell, buy, cook — and certainly not consume — either carrots or red meat. Not in any way, shape or form. And I can make it a law by showing people all the terrible outcomes they cause and by lobbying to make representatives and senators agree.
I’ve reached this disdain through my own research and background on the matter: I’ve tried carrots and red meat, and I just don’t like them.
And if I don’t like ‘em, ain’t no body gonna like ‘em.
Actually, maybe I won’t make them totally illegal. I’ll allow them in some circumstances, considering I do like carrots in my chicken noodle soup. And I’ll eat tacos with beef in them. But that’s it. No other times, under any other circumstance, will Americans be allowed to consume the orange carotenoid-rich vegetable or meat that is dark before it’s cooked.
This makes me sound like a lunatic, doesn’t it? I hope you thought I had reached the point when my family and friends should be seeking the best treatment center and searching to find the best deal on a pretty white straight jacket.
I would agree.
That’s exactly how I feel when I have to listen to politicians run on an abortionfocused platform.
Just how I said I don’t like carrots and red meat and I would take them away, that’s how politicians come across when they say no woman should have the right to choose an abortion.
I don’t make people refrain from eating carrots or red meat — what right do politcians have to tell people they can’t decide whether or not to follow through with a pregnancy just because they don’t like it?
To be honest, the inspiration for this whole thought came from a line in the new Ludacris and Mary J. Blige song, “Run Away Love.” In one verse, Luda talks about a young girl who thinks she’s in love so she doesn’t make her also-young boyfriend use protection. When she gets pregnant she has to run away because “she lives poor and has no money for abortion.”
Is it just me, or is that a bit oxymoronic? This girl is poor, so she can’t afford an abortion, which is around $500. And depending on which state she lives in, her insurance may not cover it. So the better option is to give birth and be responsible for a life?
I have eight younger siblings; I know we all cost my parents far more than $500 each. If you’re thinking there are state-funded programs women can get on so they have support for their new family, you’re absolutely right. But how logical is that? You can’t afford to have a baby, but if you have it, you’re going to receive assistance.
That’s the same backward thinking bankruptcy laws used to have before people wised up and saw it was not really the best option. If you can’t afford to stop something that costs relatively less money than it would if you were to follow though, you should have the choice to terminate.
So when a politician is running for an office and all they talk about is how they are going to change the abortion laws, I don’t even listen. Bush promised to do something about it, and he’s been in office for seven years. The laws remain the same.
Many other Republicans have run on that same ticket since Roe v. Wade passed in 1973. So everyone who voted for a candidate because they said you couldn’t eat your beloved carrots and red meat, oh sorry, I mean, tell you how you should feel about abortion, I’m telling you you wasted your vote on those grounds.
I ‘m not focusing on abortion and whether it’s right or wrong, but rather the feelings towards it. I’m saying I dislike it.
So don’t call me a baby killer, I’m stressing I think it’s pointless when politicians say their main focus making abortion illegal.
So chow down your carrots and red meat and eat them right in my face.
I will never seriously tell you that you should not eat them simply because I don’t like them, just as I will never tell you what to do with your body and be serious about it.
Keighla Schmidt is a student at UW-River Falls.