Student Voice

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February 2, 2023

Fair

Opinion

Veteran writer entertaining yet pointless

December 8, 2006

Seeing as this is the last time I have to write a column for the Student Voice, or any other paper for that matter, I realized I really don’t want to write a column. I say that because I am on vacation in Colorado in a coffee shop that looks out at the Rocky Mountains.

Needless to say — my motivation is lacking.

I have been writing columns for this paper for close to three years, and they have covered all topics ranging from awful relationship advice (just assume your girlfriend is cheating on you, it just makes everything easier) to politics (I am not a fan) to daily wisdom my friends pass on (if your shower only has warm water for 30 seconds, make sure to wash your genitals just in case a “situation” with a “girl” should arise, according to Leslie Starr — whom I promised I would work into a column before I left).

But the problem is that I have no idea what to write my last column about. I could do the standard grandiose advice or burn the bridges I have made while here. Both imply that as a columnist I have some innate knowledge about campus life — but I don’t.

I can guarantee you every columnist has heard, “I only pick up the Voice for your column,” from someone. Anyone.

Thus, columnists feel like they have some sort of key to the campus life, but we are really just people writing as we think aloud.

I have been here for nearly six years and still need help getting textbooks, registering for classes and knowing where to eat on campus. I generally rely on a consortium of friends to drag me along through the semester, as well as remind me of test days and when projects are due.

So I am sorry, I cannot give you any advice that will help your education in any way. I can, however, give you tips on Golden Tee, Silver Strike or air hockey.

It would be oxymoronic for someone like me to give advice on anything that is actually relevant.

An example: The other day at an interview I was asked, “Where do you want to be in five years or 10 years?”

Now generally in an interview for a job, people tell the employer what they want to hear, but I don’t really do that so I came back with, “I honestly have no idea.”

Awkward silence. Followed by more awkward silence.

Luckily, as a journalism student I have been taught to endure at least 10 seconds of silence, thus forcing the other person to speak.

If you look to this space for advice, you are one misguided student — similar to myself.
When I asked my friends what I should write my last column about they said things like, “Jessica the princess,” “How stupid AJ Oscarson is” and “How Chuck Norris’ father is actually Bob Barker,” which apparently can be explained via Scientology and because they “kind of look alike.”

Needless to say — my friends are insane.

But they have provided a lot of fodder for some truly horrendous columns, so it all works out for the better. I think.

Now I want to end this column, but I am not sure how to write an ending for a column about not wanting to write a column.

It’s kind of like your parents telling you that you were a mistake on your birthday. Which happens to be on Christmas.

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