Opinion

Political talkers classified

By AJ Oscarson

November 3, 2006

So now that the election is dreadfully near we have all run into at least one person on campus who has all the answers for all of our political woes. These people are probably morons. And as a favor, I will help you identify the basic people who will make their views and voices louder the closer we get to Nov. 7.

The Crunchy Kid: This person is generally a hippie. They probably major in something abstract like art. They are easily noticeable by the smell of incense and Bob Marley poster in their room - but don’t be misled, they don’t actually listen to Marley. Their main concern is that everyone just gets along. If it were the ‘70s they would be putting flowers in the barrels of guns.

The problem is that they won’t vote because they will be too busy getting stoned, playing hack or “Chillin’ on the groove, man. Um ... have you seen my keys?”

The Offended by Ads Kid: This person is the one who is just oh so offended by negative ads that they refuse to vote. They use the vast knowledge they have gathered through the two, maybe three, presidencies that they can actually remember, and say that recent political ads have gotten too negative. Apparently this person forgets Vice President Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton dueled with
pistols because of political differences.

The Churchy Kid: This subject is easily recognizable by his or her generally soft-spoken demeanor, except when it comes to same-sex marriage or Mel Gibson. They will vote how their pastor tells them and how any of the four or five religious groups on campus tells them to.

Now, I am not being anti-religion. Anyone who takes a side because they are told to without thinking on their own is just plain wrong.

This person will vote for the amendment... so long as Sunday’s sermon doesn’t tell them to do the opposite.

The Bit of Information Kid: This person is just an all-around jackass. They managed to survive through the required basic political science class and now are an expert on all things political.

Good for you. Our little guy managed through tests with such tricky questions as, “How many senators are
there?” Wow, you’ re a big boy now. Make sure mommy and daddy buy you some ice cream. Then it’s off to bed, though. You had a big day.

This person can take any debate and bring it back to some nugget of information they wrote a two-page (double spaced) paper on last year.

The Kid Who Thinks Communism is in Style: Really, the laziest of all them. They're political because they have an army surplus jacket with CCCP patches and maybe a few red stars for pizzazz. They will offer you an opinion because their music tells them what to think.

If it’s a dude -- he attempts a stereotypical Russian beard.

If it’s a chick -- she has a stereotypical Russian beard. On top of being unoriginal and puffed up, they seem to forget that people like Stalin were not great people. Remember that? Maybe a little? Tell ya what, Google “Communist douche bags,” and you’ll find Stalin.

They don’t know how to vote, but they know how to contradict themselves by buying a shirt with Che Guerva on it, thus supporting capitalism (something he hated).

Well, hopefully this helps in some twisted sort of way. But the odds are that you, a college student, will not vote. But just in case you don’t want to be a stereotype, do some of your own research and vote Nov. 7. So go buy some ice cream for yourself -- you're a grown up now.