Sports fan expresses hate
April 1, 2010
Since I usually write the weekly music reviews, many of you may not know that I’m an avid and loyal viewer of a number of sports. I am also a giant hater, ergo the focus of this column. Thus, I have assembled a small collection of my personally mostdespised sports figures - a Student Voice Player Haters Ball, if you will. This is simply a time for irrational, and hopefully entertaining, venting. Please don’t take anything I write (too) seriously. Rather embrace your inner hater. Let the hate commence.
Blessed by the heavens with ungodly speed, deadly rocketing free-kicks and an arsenal of unprecedented and effortless skill moves… he flails, cries and falls down more than an infant. Despite being the world’s best -paid footballer, he spends more time on his back than a hooker. Unfortunately, many Americans hold the gross misconception that soccer is a game for the weak-mostly because they see replays of superstars like him dive all over the pitch like they just got struck by a bullet. How’s the move away from Manchester United looking now, genius?
How’s your sore back doing? Or was it your foot? Or your pinkie? Honestly, I lost track of all of your injuries about three years ago. I can’t even begin to fathom how hard it is to get booed at the U.S. Open after you win, but congratulations, you pulled it off spectacularly. You epitomize the word “fairy,” and if you got in a fight with Dinara Safina, she would probably eat you. Take your stupid, goofy impressions and go French kiss a buzzsaw, boxhead. While you’re at it, try doing one of your famous “impersonations” of Roger Federer and actually win something important. On a final note, the fact that even the Maestro can’t ever think of anything nice to say about you must put you in a class of tool all to yourself.
On second thought, he’s just way too well-dressed to appear on this list. Forget his personality and the shady happenings in Colorado. There is simply not a single human being on the planet who looks better in a suit. Now, on with the hate.
Oh my god, where to begin? I am so sick of hearing about this selfish disgrace. “Oh, he’s like a kid out there!” What a vomit-inducing media whore. Despite Peyton Manning going out year after year, performing with class and proving that he’s the greatest quarterback to ever play the game, he gets about 1/10th as much media coverage as this clown. “Favre” might as well be the modern-day synonym for “interception.” 317 picks in over 289 appearances. Real A+ work there, Brett. Try finding any other “elite” quarterback who ever threw more than 1.1 (.1 added for Dan Marino) per game. I don’t care if he goes 40-40 with 900 yards and nine touchdowns. He will never get props from me. If there were any semblance of fairness in the universe, this loser would fade humiliatingly into retirement, taking his hideous Wrangler jeans with him back to his ranch, never to be heard from again.
There is no one I hate nearly as much as Brett Favre.
Andrew Phelps is an alumnus of UW-River Falls.