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Opinion

Horoscopes by Beth: be prepared for the unpredictable

Bethany Lovejoy

February 13, 2018

Aries

You’re going to lay down in bed and you’re going to think of “Star Wars” and you’re just gonna be like, “wow.”

What a gift. What a gift to be in a generation that is releasing “Star Wars” movies and to just really get to be a part of these historical moments.

“The Last Jedi” was great. If you were a blonde creative writing major and you saw that movie you would be like, “this is the greatest movie of all time.” After all, you’re in line with the writer of this horoscope’s constellation.

Taurus

You should spend more time working on your relationships than working it on the dancefloor.

Yes, your skin is ten out of ten, but girl, now is not the time to cut loose, foot loose, put back on those Sunday shoes. Geese, Louise, pay attention to others’ needs.

Gemini

It’s time to get those good times rolling…

Down the hill.

You’re going to start the rolling club on campus with five friends, which is cool and all. I’m not going to say it’s a bad idea, but yo – Saturn is not about this.

Cancer

You’re going to go on a weird Wikipedia article search.

First, you’re going to be looking for something for class, then at two a.m. the following morning you’re going to be looking through a list of the different breeds of cat and the page for Black River Falls, Wisconsin.

That’s because Pluto is in the page position.

Leo

You’re lactose intolerant. Every single person reading this column who is a Leo is lactose intolerant. It’s been a secret for a while, but now the Milky Way is coming your way. You just need to get on that sweet chocolate soy milk trend.

Virgo

Ho ho ho – Merry Christmas.

You’re going to celebrate the wrong holiday this week. Everyone else will be too amused to tell you the truth, but you’ll gain a lot of friends through your enthusiasm.

Libra

If you had a super power it might be turning into a gerbil or something lame. I mean, “Sky High” thought it was useful, but is it?

Mars is in the gerbil formation.

Scorpio

It’s been a bad week, man. Just remember that everyone needs time off sometimes. Go get a bath bomb or something. Take care. Maybe eat the bath bomb – I don’t know.

Pluto just remembered that it isn’t a planet, and this is a bad time for you.

Sagittarius

Your senpai is going to notice you. Not for your stunning personality or anything, rather it will be for your golden leggings and, like, Mars or something.

Capricorn

Light some candles, because this week is going to be a ride.

It’s actually going to be a ride because you lit those candles and you likely live in the residence halls. Our Residence Life kinda bans candles, and it’s a little-known fact. If you even just take out a candle a residence assistant immediately kicks in your door and writes you a warning note.

Aquarius

You often feel forgotten this week. That’s because you have been. It’s no one’s fault, or at least not yours. It’s the moon.

The only solution is to shoot the moon.

Pisces

You’re weirdly drawn to cows. Which is, like, wow? I guess? Okay? There’s horse girls, wolf girls, dragon girls … and then there’s you. You’re … a cow girl. Think about your life. It’s because Taurus is in line with you.

 

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