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Opinion

Horoscopes by Stephanie Lovejoy- it’s a joke, my name’s Beth

February 28, 2018

Aries

Your constellation has moved out of the line with its morals and values, which is why we have to have a serious talk this week.

I know what you’ve been thinking: Buzzfeed is easy and they literally do nothing. Sure, it’s appealing and would really utilize your communications degree with an emphasis in memes. You know, though, you can only create so many videos about cats. Sure, you have loads of ideas about different cuisines they can eat and react to and you’ve memorized their chicken watch song, but …

Think about your life. Think about how you quote Buzzfeed. Do you really want to be 28 years old and taking pictures of Tumblr posts? Do you really want to compile sponsored lists?

Do you have it in you to write that many quizzes?

All I’m saying is, think about it. When your morals are all out of whack, you tend to go to a place that not many dare to go. Can you stand looking back in thirty years at your list of handsome chin dimples? Can you look through that comment section?

Taurus

Man, life has just been a seesaw for you this week. One second you’re up, the next second you’re down. Emotionally, you’re kind of in this weird place where all your want to do is wear knee-high socks and sleep on the ground.

Then some days you’re wearing nice suits and eating seafood. Why are you so messy Taurus? Why is your life so unstable? It’s because the sun is whirling out of control towards your constellation.

Gemini

Man, you’re really into Greek stuff lately.

It started out with Greek gods, which was okay but basic. Then you got really into Greek food, and now you’re telling people you’re Greek. I know that something like 90% of you are not Greek, Gemini.

I mean, it’s cool and everyone’s totally buying it – you’re definitely going to eat some gyros with a hottie. However, you need to be true to who you are, not to who Mars says you should be.

Mars is probably the least-liked planet anyway.

Cancer

You get a short horoscope this week, and you’re going to wonder why that is. Like, what did you do wrong?

Only the stars know.

Leo

Things didn’t work out well with that leathery guy last week. You know, that’s okay and everything. I’ve got good news for you: a job is on the horizon. It’s going be low-paying and you’ll likely hate it, but there it is.

Like a beacon in the night. Or like Jupiter aligning with the sun as it spins out of control.

Employment.

Virgo

Oh heck, you’ve been dating left and right.

The stars have aligned, however, and a brand new Tinder match is in your future. Will you share many interests? No. Hobbies? No. Will they be interesting? No.

You will, however, go out with them just to tell your friends about it and later point at the paper like, “oh my god that really happened!”

Yeah, I mean, probably.

Libra

You might be graduating. Maybe you’re not. Either way, you’re going to wear a very long gown and a very stupid hat.

From what Neptune and I understand, this isn’t by choice. Unless you’re super weird.

Scorpio

You’re going to make a lot of pies, and by that I mean you’re going to unwrap them and eat them. They’re probably going to be Mrs. Freshley’s pies, which actually taste horrible and are an abomination to life.

I’m so sorry – love yourself a little more and eat some Easy Mac or find better baked goods. This is horrible.

Sagittarius

You’re bringing back sweatbands. Sagittarius is in line with the sweaty constellation and you’re going to do it.

This is amazing, because sweatbands are very versatile. You can wear them black if you’re goth, and white, blue and red if you’re a normie. Now no one will ever know you sweat ever again – hooray.

Capricorn

Your constellation is clustering, which means you’re going to start a new club on campus.

Sadly, your previous ideas for the “Red Ant Society” and “Clowns for Kids Who Don’t Like Clowns” were rejected. However, your unicycle club is totally gonna make it this time.

Aquarius

You are sick.

This is sad for me because I’m pretty sure I told Pisces to get vaccinated last week, but not you. You see, stars are tricky; they don’t really care about people and they certainly don’t care about my credibility. Now you have the worst cold ever and no cough drops, plus your stars are just sort of chilling under space clouds.

Pisces

You’re going to get a good grade on something. It’s actually not going to be school work, because you’ve kind of forgotten about that and all. It’s probably going to be something mediocre from your friends or some sort of Snapchat thing.

Good grades, though.

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