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Opinion

Horoscopes by Beth: At least my mom reads these

February 21, 2018

Aries

You’re going to be invited to a lot of things this week.

That’s awesome and all and I’m really happy for you, but remember what happens anytime Scooby Doo and his gang are invited anywhere. That’s right: almost murder, sometimes zombies and a lot of the time it’s ghosts.

So, even though you are going to be invited to all sorts of places, you’re going to cancel. It’s going to feel so good. You’re probably going to be addicted to cancelling plans, dear Aries, because you are going to feel your spine tingle with every ending of obligation.

Then you’re going to watch Netflix alone with no pants on and it’s just going to be great. Eat some awesome cheese and stuff. All because Jupiter is being flaky and you cancelled plans.

Taurus

You’re going to be third wheeling.

Don’t roll your eyes and fold up the paper, and whatever you do don’t trash it (recycle please). You’re going to be an amazing third wheel. I’m not talking tricycle level stuff going on; you’re going to be the big wheel in a big wheel. You are going to monopolize their date, score some awesome appetizers and then just leave unannounced. I’m not saying you’re going to plan to leave unannounced – it’s just that it’s hard to say goodbye when your mouth is loaded with mozzarella sticks and fries.

Your planet and Earth are making an Irish exit.

Gemini

You’re going to do some karaoke. Probably not here because there’s no karaoke night for a while here, at least that I know of. You’ll probably do it in your room or someone’s basement, which is awesome. You don’t need a microphone or people to have a great karaoke: respect.

When you get done with that karaoke you’re just going to feel great. Your hair’s gonna shine, your teeth will be bright. You’re gonna look like the best in show of horses. I don’t even like horses and I know in my heart that you’re going to be comparable to a really good, singing horse.

Venus is in line with you, which means you’ve got it. Yeah baby, you’ve got it. You’re the Venus, you’re the fire, at our desire.

Cancer

I’m calling it. Every single one of you who reads my column: one class is going to get cancelled for you this week. Hopefully it’s one with me in it.

Those Cancers who don’t read my horoscopes, however? They’ll probably get the hiccups or something. I’m not saying that I caused the hiccups or whatever, just that the other Cancers were prepared to fend off hiccups and therefore, you know, saved. Via my column.

My column is like “Baywatch” for hiccups, only preemptive “Baywatch” and without me moving anywhere.

Your constellation is aligned with Pluto, which I’m pretty sure is cold.

Leo

After finding out you’re lactose intolerant last week, the days have been tough.

Well, get ready for something tougher, because a hunky beef jerky of a person is coming out of the woodwork to take care of you.

Yeah, their skin is kinda gross…

And leathery…

And weird…

But we all have their types and who am I to judge your weird one? Sadly though, this love will not last. You’ll probably meet them at a student event or something, talk to them a few days and then you’ll both mutually delete each others’ Snapchats.

It’s okay though; you’ll get free food out of it.

Virgo

Virgo? More like her-go! Because you go girl. Or boy. Or (insert your preferred pronoun).

You’re having a great week. You’ve been hanging, making it through the snow. You’ve only fallen on a salted sidewalk like seven times this week compared to the others’ solid record of 27.

Just watch it; just because you’re not eating it on salted sidewalks doesn’t mean you won’t eat it with salty Santa noises. The stars are sorta making a salt shaker around you, so think about that.

Libra

You have a lot going on this week, but at least you’re not some loser microwaving frozen corn and putting stuff on it like a baked potato. Who are those people, even? Probably people who sit alone watching movies and reviewing them for a college newspaper.

Anyway, you’re above it all this week. You are so up in the sky that you are flying, and respect, but …

Some of us just don’t have our lives together enough to eat their pizza Lunchables microwaved or drink actual water.

Your constellation is in the judgement position.

Scorpio

You haven’t taken care of yourself in a while. Now I know we’ve all been on the hot mess express at some time or another, but you need to switch cabins or something because this is a little worrying.

I’m all about wearing clothes you slept in to class. Not brushing your hair? On it. Not washing it? Girl, I practically own stock in Batiste.

But you can’t follow my example.

But, I dunno – a dope temporary tattoo or something? Then you’re good; just show those professors you cared for thirty seconds.

Mars is not caring to be in line with you.

Sagittarius

You’re going to eat corn in a cup: the college delicacy. Jupiter and Mercury are in line with your constellation, which makes this horoscope super accurate.

Take a frozen bag of corn, break it over your counter, pour the amount of corn you can digest in a cup and microwave for like three minutes, tops. Add the toppings you would to a baked potato or, you know, anything. I’ve seen ragu used.

Corn in a cup: best college food.

Capricorn

You had a run-in with the resident assistants about the candle incident last week, which was, you know, almost my fault but not.

This week you just need to chill. Put out those candles, get a wax warmer or something so you don’t die. These stars that I discovered (Zayn, Niall, Harry, Louis and Liam) are in this position that makes the perfect wax warmer. Don’t ask me how; I’m not an artist here.

Just know that it’s kinda like a square with a really bright star underneath.

Stars are weird, man.

Aquarius

You need to stop ordering from Domino’s. Like, you actually need to stop. You’re loosing money, the boxes are piling up. And don’t you start thinking about Pizza Hut, Pizza Hut is the same thing only amazingly more moist.

I know, I know: Saturn is in line with a Domino’s coupon, but trust me, those things never actually change and when you read your new horoscope next week you’re going to look back on this time and hate yourself.

Pisces

Wow, you are just so healthy.

I’m not trying to be condescending or anything, but you are just doing great on that front. At least, I think so. I think the moon’s in line with your planets.

I dunno, the book says health.

But my senses? They take it a step further. Worry about the flu no longer. If you had it, cool and all, but you’re not going to get again. Not forever, just this week. This week none of you will get the flu.

You know why? Because you got vaccinated you crazy kids, or you’re going to get vaccinated.

Also Mars or something.

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