Opinion

Horse-oscopes by Beth: February 2

By Bethany Lovejoy

January 31, 2018

And thus forth, as we return from the break of great cold, do we find ourselves in need of guidance through the wisdom of the stars so that with great care we may navigate the many perils that befall the ignorant. Lo’, be not worried of what may befall you, for your campus boasts that of great power and sensitivity to thy stars' many screams.

This week they scream horses.

Aries

It’s been a hard month for you, a long break and a short weekend.

Be not afraid, because in your future I see a tall handsome stranger. One with the longest of manes, the shiniest of coats,  the largest hooves that crush the very ground they gallop upon. Ready your heart for thy truest desire, a stallion riding through the night straight into the depths of your desire.

Taurus

You can lead a horse to water but not make it drink; in a similar sense, others can try and force your hand in an argument but not be able to move you.

Physically not be able to move you.

What I’m saying is that you’re going to be blocking a lot of doorways to win arguments.

Mercury for you is blocking Jupiter - a very strange phase for you.

Gemini

There are a great many oats within your trough; approach these with great caution and care. Dysentery can lay within even the most firm of oats.

Cancer

Be wary of breaking your horse bone, the important bone that doth make you gallop.

The one right above your cloppers but nowhere near your jumpy organ.

Also Jupiter is aligned with Saturn for you so, you know, give that jumpy bone some good motion.

Leo

Some people in this world are more prone to winning best in show, but that is sadly not you. The sun bears down hard on your horsey head and thus forth you will suffer greatly in a physical sense.

Buy some Mane 'n Tail and despair not. Many carrots are in your future.

Virgo

The FFA in life has a great many judges, but you must be aware that these will not only increase your relationship with the riders of your great horse life. There in the future lies a great many oats and carrots that will make your mane soft like silk.

You shall begin the journey to a great pedigree in future years this week. Beautiful stallions and many mares await your life.

Libra

You’re a mule. We can’t all be horses, or really even donkeys. Don’t let this get you down; mules have purpose in life as well as the others. They do things with themselves and, you know, don’t have horsie babies.

Just think about being alone for a bit, Mule Matey.

Scorpio

You know that scene in "Spirit" where they play "Get off of my Back" and the horse just goes savage on those riders? Well, Mars is aligned with your constellation, so you’re about to pull something like that.

Get ready to win some arguments, kick some people and win over some FFA leaders.

Sagittarius

You’re also connected to the movie "Spirit," but you are most definitely not a horse.

What I’m saying is that you should watch the movie "Spirit," because not only will it help you reflect on your life choices, but it will also strengthen you relationship with horses and your star sign.

Capricorn

Girl, you got some good stuff coming. Saddle up because you’re about to meet a man with a rat tail who is going to take you on a life journey.

One second you’re going to be down in the stables just taming some mane, but the next second you’re going to be in the back of a pickup truck, holding down a canoe and singing "Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy."

Shout out to Venus for your new metal life.

Aquarius

Y’all better get used to shovelin’ the hay because you have a lot to get used to. Spin your spurs and get to work. Life is a highway and you have to work on taming your horse enough to run down it.

Venus and Mercury have aligned for you in the put in work formation, so get to it.

Pisces

This week is going to be a good week for you because no one is going to bother you with their problems.

Maybe it’s because Saturn is in position with the North Star, but it’s probably because you’re going to acquire a horse mask and refuse to take it off.