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Horoscopes by Beth: The bad romantic cliché edition


March 28, 2018

Did you know that April is the most romantic month of all? This fact often surprises people, as there’s February, December and literally any other month. But it is; it’s all due to Easter and copious amounts of egg eating. Eggs are like an aphrodisiac that sends those hormones rolling.

In honor of the month of romance, here are all your very romantic horoscopes.


You’re going to meet someone tall, handsome and into dogs.

This is a total score if you’re not allergic to dogs but a total bummer if you are. If you’re allergic to dogs, you are going to spend the month of romance sneezing while trying to hit it off with this tall, dark hottie. From one super allergic girl to another super allergic person, you gotta let some people go.

Go on, get.


You were just hanging out, drinking some water enhanced with flavor droplets and Hottie McHotson walked into your life. And while he’s been there for a while…?

It’s time to take some risks, rob some banks and burn some buildings. Only with your heart. Don’t pillage anything.


Wow, who is that babe over there?

Oh my god, it’s you. You’re the hottie for once.

This is great because you have to put in little to no effort and all of these horoscope hicks are gonna come walking up to you like, “I see that you enjoy Emma, but I must argue that it is one of Austen’s over-appreciated works.”

And then you’re gonna have a totally awesome discussion on the wicked character development of Mr. Knightley and how it literally doesn’t happen.

Like at all.


It’s time.

I know you’re sad about the dissolution of your favorite club, but … you gotta move on. River Falls could never sustain a Deep Sea Diving club; it just wasn’t in the cards.

You’re gonna meet a new dude/dudette, and though they may not always be an ebbing and flowing body of water, maybe this will be better for you.

I mean your skin won’t always be wrinkly, your hair will thank you a little. Just think about it buddy.


You’re going to start a WRFW show and the ladies are just going to love it.

The guys? They’ll be a bit into it.

It’s probably just going to be a long list of songs about being lonely followed by the occasional comment or two by you. However, it’s going to happen and the station is going to have to beat people off you with a stick.


You’re going to get a Hulu subscription and it’s going to be great for your dating life.

The other person is going to be all, “Ugh there’s nothing on Netflix, maybe I should just leave.” But then you’re going to whip out that Hulu with ads subscription and wow, they are going to be about it.

Your chance of a second date? It goes up by like ten. Congratulations man.


So, lately you’ve been watching videos of people making tiny food on YouTube, which is awesome and all. But while you’re just hanging there watching those videos, someone is going to walk up to you and be all, “What’s this about?”

And you’re going to get annoyed and say, “Go away.”

But you shouldn’t have. Because that was your truest of loves. So think about that; think about your antisocial behavior and how it has ruined your opportunities.


Normally you’re the worst person in the world, but this week you’re going to be tolerable. This is going to lead to friendship for you, which is close to love in your case. Like, as close as you can get. Appreciate it and restrain from mentioning their weird laugh, messed up eyebrows and too-small face…

As a Scorpio, this might be your only chance, after all.


You’re already in a relationship, you silly dog.

This week is going to be a great week for your relationship. Maybe they’ll take you out to eat or watch a cool documentary with you. My suggestion? Jesus Camp, but there’s also a few really good ones about hoarding on Netflix. Just remember: whatever documentary you watch will prepare you for next week’s imminent doom.


You too are already in a relationship, or close enough to it.

This is a good week, however, to act as if you are out of it and spend some time alone. Knit or something; do a jumping jack. You can straight up overdose on a person and you are in denial about it. Stop swimming in that sea of love and start swimming in the sea of not having to wear pants before you drown.


What a night.

You’re going to wake up at some point this week and not be quite sure what you did, but you’ll get an idea when you roll over and see …

A pizza.

You, my dear, are in love with food, and it’s kind of weird for everyone else around you. Like, sure, food is great and all, totally relatable Tumblr content. However, you need to think about how much you reference it. Like, your “food is my only friend” memes are off the charts and your real friends are starting to hate you.


Hey, you little introvert, how have you been the past week?

You are well aware that you are the only person who reads my column and I am so happy with you. Though you’re not really looking and you aren’t even thinking about it, you won one heart over this week.

Mine, you dedicated little reader.

I think you are the sweetest, most wonderful reader in the whole entire zodiac, and I don’t even know you.

Keep being your bad self, Pisces.