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Horoscopes by Beth: Spring breakdown


March 7, 2018


Spring break is here, and even if you’re going somewhere, you’d much rather be home. Sure, home has your bed and all your amenities and a few dozen toaster strudels, but you’re going to get a bad idea the minute you arrive anywhere remotely homey.

Do not get a haircut. I repeat: do not get a haircut. You are going to regret it for the rest of your life because you’re going to have a mullet or some sort of none high fashion bowl cut. This is not a good idea. Watch some Netflix or something.


Last week you were third wheeling and this week you are bicycling.

You, my friend, are going to meet a 10/10 babe this spring break and have some great noncommittal memories. Maybe you won’t remember what they looked like by next year, perhaps you can’t really remember the details of your love story. You definitely won’t remember their name or where they’re from.


You’re going to eat a lot of pasta. Like, to the point where some people would call you a carboholic.

The best part about this arrangement is that it all plays into you conning people into thinking you can cook. Sure, the first time you’re not going to mean to con someone, but when they ask you if that bomb Prego sauce was your recipe, you’re going to accidentally say “yes.” Because of that accidental “yes,” you’re going to have to live with this mistake for the duration of your spring break, eating only Pasta Roni and Prego sauce with a pinch of salt thrown in.


Have we talked about ramen on this column before? I wanna say not, but who knows.

Point is, you’re going to eat a lot of ramen. Now, you may wince, but this is a good thing. This is an active choice you made. Maybe it’s really fancy ramen, because for a solid week and a half that is going to be the majority of what you eat.

Sure, you’ll spice it up, put some food in or something, but like …



You are going to Target this week: congratulations.

The sun is beating down on your constellation and put you in the deals section. You’re going to spend a lot of time in the cheap section near the front of the store, see some strange sponges in the cleaning section and get some free samples due to heavy favoring by the sun.

And then, like a light, you will see Tim Tams, and lo’ they will be great.

These chocolate covered biscuits, available only at Target, are the height of cuisine and the world will surely end without them. I’m actually super happy for you.


You’re going to be subject to the whims of Mercury, who is in a fun mood.

It’s going to be spa Saturday on some random day of the week for you, and you are going to do some skin care and personal reflection. This is all going to go well until you take the skincare too far. You’re going to either rip off part of your eyebrows or dry out your skin.

This, however, won’t be that bad as you’re already prepared for it. After all, you read my column.


You’re going to see the side of the family that you do not like. This is because of Venus.

They’re going to say some things to you that are going to make you beg to return to college campus where, somehow, people aren’t as radical in their political beliefs.


Your constellation is just sailing through the star system, much like how you will be sailing through the internet.

You’re going to get embroiled in a meaningless internet conflict and become a little bit too emotional about it. It could be something as stupid as how the toilet paper roll is supposed to go, but you’re going to end up weirdly crying over it anyway.


The Sagittarius constellation was low in the sky when I last looked, and I was pretty sure that I looked at a pretty good star-looking time.

As a Sagittarius, I am really sad to report that this means we are all going to get saggy chins that no lotion can defeat. Even a massage cannot end the onslaught of droop.


You’re going to eat a lot of candy corn. Get it? Because it sounds like Capricorn.

Being real though, you are going to eat more candy corn than you want to this week. This is going to suck because most of you actually hate candy corn, except for one special snowflake or something.

Maybe just discretely throw it away? All of this is because your sign is near the corn constellation.


You’re going to do some Pinterest projects this week.

Most are actually going to turn out bad. The glue and scissors constellations are actually just floating off somewhere away from you. You are, however, going to have one that turns out extremely good, likely the one you thought was too dumb to work.



Your constellation is looking worn out and sad, which means only one thing: you’re going to take a shower.

A really long, hot shower – the kind where you shave everything in an attempt to stay in the water longer. Like your skin is going to wrinkle up, but you are going to be beautiful.

Then you’re going to step out of the shower into a not-cold bathroom and leisurely walk to your bedroom, cleaner than a hospital room.