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‘Death Note’: The worst movie you can find


April 4, 2018

Last weekend I went to the movies and saw “Pacific Rim Uprising.” It was really good.

But this review is not about that. This review is about something near and dear to my soul. I once went through a phase – a vaguely Gothic and overly emo phase. I wore this Marilyn Manson t-shirt that was dangerously short, a roadkill hat and used a lot of eyeliner. Now, everyone kind of goes through that phase. But I also went through my intense weaboo phase at that time, which paired with my fanfiction phase really nicely.

I was a trash child.

As a trash child, I of course really enjoyed “Death Note.” Like, really enjoyed “Death Note.” I’ve probably seen the show like fifty times, and the character L sat next to the photo of Batman on my binder collage (a black binder with pictures of men that I found attractive on it and where I stored my writing. It also had memes, but I was old enough that these were rage faces and emo song lyrics over sad voodoo dolls). So, of course, I knew in my heart that I would be watching the Netflix “Death Note” movie at some point. I mean, I already watched the Japanese one…

It was a great choice, mainly because these people have no idea how to act.

Enter Light (Yagami) Turner, that totally edgy guy from your high school who now plays the guitar in crowded dorm buildings. No one understand him, probably for reasons like: he has the hipster version of frosted tips (if this were a literature class, it would be a symbol for lonerism), he sits alone on benches and talks to no one, he charges extremely high rates for extremely mediocre papers and he has a sign in his locker that says, “Normal People Scare Me.”

Not, “Normal People Scare Me” written like the 2006 documentary on the struggles people with autism face, but, “Normal People Scare Me,” like the quote from “American Horror Story.” Written with that font. Amazing.

Anyway, Light has a dad and his dad is sad. His dad is sad because Light’s mother got murdered with a car. Light’s mother got murdered with a car by an affluent teen. She is now dead. The affluent teen bought his way out of jail. This is sad. Light thinks this is injustice. Light is right.

Light is also a freaking murderer. Light kind of goes the way of the original “Death Note” Light, murdering people who are evil and who commit crimes. This is because he is a good person. Light also murders a high schooler who bullies people because Light is a healthy and well-adjusted teenager and totally a good person.

Light meets this totally hot cheerleader who smokes cigarettes (this is how we know she is bad). This girl is named Mia because she is supposed to be Misa from the manga and anime. Mia enjoys sex and murder, which are traits she shares with girls from Tumblr.

So how are they killing people? Oh my god. They got a magic notebook that they write names in, then people just die. Left and right. Like, sure – they have to know your name, picture your face and then, if they don’t want to leave it to chance, write the cause of death. Since criminals are pretty well televised and Light’s dad is a cop and everything, they have tons of people to murder.

Someone says four hundred? That someone was L, so it’s probably true. L is super smart, but we don’t really care about that because he is also a 10/10 babe. We don’t see his face for much of the movie, which ruined the experience for me, but he is very good looking. He looks like Donald Glover mixed with John Legend and a little Prince. What a dude.

L has a buddy who immediately dies. L’s buddy was put in the murder book and was like, “Oh my gosh I need to find L’s identity and tell my dude Light ‘not dude-killing’ Turner.” Then of course he has to die.

Eventually Light is like, “Oh my gosh, we’ve actually killed people.” He becomes totally mad at Mia, but Mia doesn’t care. Mia tries to kill Light, but they Mexican stand off and both write each other’s names in the book. Light has a magic plot twist device that saves his dumb life and no one else’s, because writers are great and creative and totally are able to identify when things push the line.

I’m going to be honest, it was actually the worst movie. Like ever. Like I’ve seen some things, but at least those things are kinda funny. This is not; this just happened. The only highlight in this movie is that at one point Light’s dad has Olive Garden Italian dressing on the table for lunch, and I guess that made me smile.

0/10, the worst.