Review

'The Decoy Bride' does nothing special to separate itself from the rest of romances

If you’ve read my column for more than a hot minute you may have realized that it features quite a large amount of both babes and romance.

You may be thinking to yourself, “Oh when Nick Whatever was doing it there was so much more variety and craft.”

Well Nick is gone, so.

This week I watched "The Decoy Bride," which is a British movie about a Scottish lady with a Welsh dude pretending to be American.

David Tennant plays an American (?) author who wrote a book about a Scottish island that he has never been to. This turns out pretty okay for him, because it is a best seller and this super hot babe named Laura Tyler is all over his buns for publishing this book.

David is getting married to Laura Tyler but keeps getting wedding crashed by the paparazzi during his several attempts.

Laura is determined to make things work and forces David to come with her for their new surprise wedding destination.

Surprise! It’s the island.

The island is nothing like what David Tennant wrote, yet Laura doesn’t realize this. Probably because Laura has poor reading retention or something.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the island, there is this red-headed lady who keeps breaking up with people left and right, and is totally no longer engaged.

She’s the daughter of Maggie, who is an innkeeper and also wheelchair-bound.

Maggie is apparently the absolute worst person on the island, or at least people keep saying so.

The redheaded lady is like, “I don’t want to die alone, but man am I bad at commitment.”

Relatable.

David Tennant decides to familiarize himself with the place of his lies and goes on a tour of the island, walking into a rather decrepit old building that smells like poop.

It smells like poop because it is a bathroom: an old abandoned haunted bathroom, booooo.

Redhead lady is in this old building, as she enjoys being in haunted toilets.

David Tennant wonders, “who are you?” and red head lady uses her feminine wiles on him.

She pops out her leg in a very sellable position and David Tennant is basically like, “Ew.”

Meanwhile the paparazzi show up and ask, “Have you see any gorgeous movie stars around here?”

“If you give me money, yes.” Maggie responds, “If you don’t, no.”

And Laura Tyler is ticked.

She basically runs off like a psycho-warrior-actress and hides in the cliffs.

Like what?

Who is she?

Jesus.

So her publicist, who was all, “I will protect you from the paparazzi,” is now all, “Heck.”

And then he logically plans, “We’ll have a fake wedding, make the paparazzi take photos of that, and then Laura will come out of the hills and we can get her real married.”

But who do they know who is desperate enough for both cash and attention to pretend to be a bride?

The red-head girl takes about 100 bucks and some lint to say, “sure.”

And then they get fake married.

But, plot twist, someone did bad in the props department because the wedding papers they signed? Real.

Which is about 75 bucks wasted.

The rest of the movie is those two trying to get divorced and find Laura, only—

Surprise!

What they’re really finding is each other.

Ew.

I mean it was a good movie. I actually really liked it, but it’s not a stand out.

The only real actor in it is David Tennant and you can tell they blew their budget by hiring him alone. But the other characters are nice. Not memorable, but nice.

3/5