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Opinion

Thieves invade campus

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September 27, 2012

I was going to begin by sharing another personal anecdote about my awkward moments with the opposite sex (there are many), but I have an axe to grind.

There have been a string of thefts around the UW-River Falls campus of late.

One of the thefts concerned a friend in the English department and her wallet. The other was a reported stolen vehicle in which witnesses claimed to have seen a man drive away in.

I could think of no better way to grind an axe, than to write. Writing is an excellent outlet for venting.

One could conceivably do as the character Chaucer said in the film “A Knight’s Tale” and “eviscerate [a person] in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. [You can make them] naked for an eternity.”

At this present moment, I want to make a few individuals spurn their recent actions and render them naked for all eternity.

They’re idiots.

If these individuals are, by chance, men, I hope that the weather is incredibly frigid, that way, whenever women happen to cross their path, the women will remark with laughter at how ‘small’ and ‘tiny’ these men appear down below. If you catch my drift.

And I hope that every morning this exact scene repeats itself over and over as did Prometheus’ punishment for stealing fire from Mount Olympus. Though I would not wish these individuals harm, I do wish them humiliating experiences.

Generally, I am not a vindictive man, but there was that one time my old friend Nala (a purebred collie) ate my leftover raspberry cheesecake that I had placed in the fridge.

I don’t know how she managed to open the fridge being a dog.

Even I, with opposable thumbs, have a difficult time opening that lockbox.

I made Nala regret eating my cheesecake. I took a pair of dog clippers to her beautiful golden coat and shaved her bald.

She curled up into a big hairless ball whenever she would go outside retreating from the wind. I sat back, laughing. Those were wicked fun times.

I can only imagine that she was embarrassed by what the other dogs thought of her. She had become a skinhead, an outsider.

The point I am attempting to make is, if you steal from me, you will rue the day.

I must confess something. I have stolen once, though it was not to the degree of grand theft auto.

What I stole was something altogether more precious than a car or money could ever offer me.

I stole a slice of the most delectable carrot cake in the history of the entire world. It was homemade and it had cost $5 per slice, but I must stress, it was homemade.

I was with my grandfather at the time and we went to the bakery for lunch.

He did not have enough money to buy dessert and I was already eyeing the carrot cake. Fatty.

I feigned illness and escaped into the bathroom with the biggest piece of carrot cake ever.

I turned around to make sure the door was locked.

It felt like an act of perversion right from the start. It only made sense to lock the door.

I shoved the morsels of crumbly cake into my face, the frosting coating the corners of my mouth. I imagine I looked like an obese squirrel shoving too many morsels of food down it’s throat.

I wiped away the evidence of my transgressions (the frosting) and left the dingy smelling, never-cleaned bathroom.

Later that day, my grandfather found out what I had done.

He didn’t have to say anything, I already knew he had disowned me.

I looked into his big watery-blue eyes and I ran.

I ran from the belt he gripped in his right hand. Luckily for me, he had two bad knees.

Though I stole and devoured that amazing cake, to this day, I cannot stand to eat it without thinking, in some part, about how my grandpa looked at me, and what the belt might have felt like.

The end consequences of stealing are that someone, somewhere will “eviscerate” you.

Tyler Smith is a student at UW-River Falls.