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Opinion

Teletubbies, creepers in van, create interesting blind date night

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October 5, 2012

Last Sunday, as I exited my frigid apartment on Cascade Avenue (I’m trying to resist turning on the heat because I’m cheap) I saw something peculiar. It was a caved-in soup can. To be more specific, it was a tomato-basil soup can.

It was from the ‘Healthy Choice’ brand and had dark green labeling.

It also had the words “Only 100 calories per serving” on the front of it. I don’t know about you, but when I see health food, I prefer to run away. It’s disgusting. Give me more sodium and more butter any day – butter is better!

“What is he on about this week?” you might find yourselves asking, and I wouldn’t blame you. Half of the time I don’t know myself. Sometimes I speak just to hear my own voice. My voice is kinda high pitched, like after an unsuspected shot to the groin, I know, it’s that high!

Well, what I’m on about is the color green.

Green can represent growth and growing; as an individual, an academic and so on. With growing comes changes in style and changes in friends.

Let me say that some styles are just weird! For instance, as I wheeled back from the dining hall in the University Center, I saw this rather rotund person rollerblading.

I stopped for a moment and held onto the chain linked construction fence, forcibly holding back my hysteria. This person looked like an abnormally sized teletubby. She was dressed in crimson red and had her hair in a high-style bun. I can only guess her name was Po!

As she passed, I erupted in laughter. She turned back around. I booked it as fast as I could. Being in a wheelchair, she passed me within two seconds. I received a chilling glare and I honestly thought she would have stabbed me, if she had a knife.

I froze like a raccoon who stares at an oncoming semi. The semi missed!

There are also other styles that scare me half to death.

The style of having a van and stopping randomly to kidnap little kids. That one makes me laugh, I know it shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. There was a moment not long ago (I had just shaven my beard) that a van randomly pulled up next to me.

The people inside opened their doors and said, “Hey lady, want a ride?”

I responded, “I’m not a lady.” in my high-pitched voice, unconvincingly.

“You’re not?” They looked at me oddly, and then pulled away quickly.

I’m just glad that they sped away because I was exhausted from wheeling all day and it was tempting to take a ride. I’m sure that, if I had, I would have been dumped in the river and I can’t swim-at all!

When my voice started to lower in pitch and I became comfortable with my “style,” I went on a blind date-another bizarre moment.

On this date, the girl said to me, “You’re not particularly good looking.”

I chuckled and told her that she was not particularly good looking either. She began to cry and I retracted my words saying that she was beautiful. I told her she looked like Cameron Diaz. She told me I looked like Betty White.

Before my arrival to the date, this girl managed to drink three-fourths of a bottle of chardonnay. Chardonnay has a high alcohol content and is excellent tasting (no it isn’t), but it left my date too inebriated for my taste.

In an attempt to flee, I said I was going to the bathroom. She whispered as loud as a pile of plates smashing to the ground, “Don’t be too long, good looking! I might just leave.”

As I tried to escape the bipolar girl, I noticed she started to make conversation with her heavy knit sweater. She was actually making conversation with it, and cradling it like a newborn baby.

My advice is to feel free to explore your personal style, since college is a place where people won’t question your choice in clothing, yet.

Also, when on a date, avoid chardonnay and always carry pepper spray. Just in case.

Tyler Smith is a student at UW-River Falls.