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Opinion

Sicilians, tanning beds; crazy expectations affect students

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October 11, 2012

I will begin by saying that I am the whitest person you will ever meet. I look like an albino, but with a red beard. Tasty bread isn’t as white as me, and it’s bleached. I’m so white, cirrus clouds make fun of me.

Being so white, I’m immediately attracted to color.

I wheeled past a girl last evening and from a distance she looked like a Sicilian. I was immediately attracted by the color of her skin. I was captivated.

Whenever I pass a sicilian on the street, I get all tingly, they might be distant relatives of the Sopranos.

I love sicilians. They’re sexy, sophisticated and really, really good cooks. Sicilian pizza is a work of art! Like a Picasso, or my favorite, Van Gogh.

As I wheeled past this girl, I noticed that she was not sicilian at all. She had managed to bake herself inside of a industrial sized Easy-Bake oven, also known as a tanning bed.
She resembled a burnt pancake that a fry-cook had neglected to flip. The pancake that everyone avoids.

As I wheeled past her, I couldn’t help but think, “Hmm, didn’t know human-sized glow-sticks even existed.”

Yes, I know, I’m a horrible person, I’ve come to accept it. You should too.
Why do girls even get into tanning beds anymore? Haven’t they seen “Final Destination 3?” They could die, miserably.

Natural selection I suppose.

As a side note, those movies are horrible! It’s the same story, told five times.

I would never attempt to get into a tanning bed – again.

I once fell asleep in one. That story did not end well. Lotion was required. I smelled like a pile of potpourri for weeks, but on the upside, my skin was silky smooth.

Tanning beds are disgusting too. I’ve often been told syphilis can be contracted by just laying on a tanning bed. I’m not sure how true that is, but I will err on the side of caution.

Seriously, why do girls tan so much?

I honestly think it’s because they’re insecure about how men and others see them. “Oh, am I attractive enough? Am I pretty enough? Will he like me?”

It’s a self-esteem issue.

Many females feel that they need to live up to the absurd expectations of what a woman is supposed to look like.

Expectations are ludicrous.

These types of women feel that they need to change and starve their body, just to get some guy to notice them. Why date a person who is purely concerned with the outside beauty and nothing with the inside?

Let me just remind these ladies that I am always available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Who’s the loser now? I think we both know-me! It’s funny, because you were thinking the same thing.

Sometimes the most attractive trait in a woman is when she knows exactly who she is. Her confidence will be at a peak. She’s the girl who will be dancing without the help of alcohol.

For me, I can’t dance without a shot of “courage,” but I can drink shots of “courage” without dancing. Weird.

If I could say one thing to any woman across the entire flippin’ globe that one thing would be: ignore expectations and live ‘la vida loca.’

Tyler Smith is a student at UW-River Falls.