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Opinion

TwinsFest all about Mauer

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February 19, 2009

A couple weeks ago I attended TwinsFest at the Metrodome. For those of you who don’t know TwinsFest is a convention where Twins fans gather and throw down ridiculous amounts of money to get autographs.

I had just gotten done with waiting in line to get Denard Span’s autograph when it was my friend’s girlfriend was up for which line we should stand in next. She emphatically screamed that she wanted Joe Mauer’s autograph. So I stood in line for three hours with a bunch of screaming 12 to 20-year-old girls to get the Baby Jesus’ autograph. After this adventure, I approached a friend of mine who was a fan of Mr. Mauer. Her response to the story?

“Oh, wait…ah, I just thought of him!” she responded. After telling her that in a friendly way that I despise people like her, I came up with a conclusion. Joe Mauer fans are clinically insane.

These fans could overtake a small town. They have many weapons at their disposal. Their signs are used as battle shields, all with a clever saying like “We want Mauer in the shower.” Or “April showers bring Joe Mauer.” Their ear piercing screams could knock out even the most trained police force on the account of their heads exploding. They also blind them with the glitter used for their t-shirts. All of this makes me take my anger and rage out on my own body by pounding down $6 beer after $6 beer until even I’m screaming “OH MY GOD IT’S JOE MAUER!!!” every time he comes up to bat.

They even have reasons why they are meant to marry Joe Mauer. The best excuse that I’ve ever heard was a girl who said that she was meant to be with Mauer because she played catcher in high school, wore the number seven, and shared the same birthday. I don’t mean to be the bearer of bad news, but I think Mauer was dating a former Ms. USA at one point. I don’t think your odds are very good.

Then I started to think of this. Why do girls love Joe Mauer, but not some other Twins? I mean, look at his partner in crime, Justin Morneau. Ladies, don’t tell me that you don’t dream about sticking the big, rugged Canadian first baseman in a lumberjack costume. There’s Carlos Gomez too. Sure you can’t understand about 83 percent of what he’s saying, but he’s got a Latin accent. Then, there’s Joe’s backup, Mike Redmond. His nickname of Red Dog screams porn star!

Do Joe Mauer fans annoy me? Yes. However, I can’t help but respect the fact that they at least are into the game. Take it from a guy who once went on a date with a girl to a Vikings game who asked where the yellow line was on the field. I would rather have a bunch of fans screaming over one strong, handsome, brown-eyed catcher than have someone who doesn’t know the difference between a hot dog and a home run (Hannah Storm). So to all of you Mauer Maniacs, keep the signs coming, and keep screaming.

Chris Schad is a student at UW-River Falls.