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Opinion

Legal marijuana would hurt stoners, not help

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April 30, 2009

Every 35 seconds I see a new article online about how weed needs to be legalized, or how it’s not as dangerous as we think, or how it could save the economy or about how President Obama admitted to smoking it back in the day with a tone of voice that’s somewhat justifying in the eyes of marijuana and its purpose. The problem is that these sites, namely Digg.com, post links to these articles based off popularity, and I’m certain that those nominating pro-weed propaganda are in fact the stoners who want the goddamned drug legalized. I’m sick of how much coverage this tiny green plant is getting.

It seems every stoner and their stonified mother is standing up for the drug now, and it’s getting all sorts of attention from the higher-ups in the judicial system. Yesterday I read about a retired San Franciscan judge who endorses the legalization of marijuana. How many times has this article been approved by readers as of this writing? 2,877. It’s like the users of America have finally found something worth fighting for. They’ve managed to heave their heavy asses off of their scratchy couches, log on to the Internet, and fight for the only thing they have going for them.

Legalize weed to save the economy, legalize weed to stop the violence, legalize weed to SAVE THE WORLD. I say don’t legalize weed simply to keep the hardcore stoners of the America on their toes, because that’s all they have going for them. Lazy, soft-spoken, peace thriving lack-of-much-excitement suckwads.

If marijuana becomes the legal thing to smoke, then I’m certain a fat chunk of American chain-users will end up dead in some way. I’m willing to bet that the very first day weed becomes legal we’ll see a mass-self-execution of stoners. We’ll see the first cannabis overdose, and be forced to use nuclear weapons to decimate the heavily populated areas that hosted “First Time Weeder” parties.

At these parties, virgin smokers will inhale such a vast amount of THC that they will engage in the act of “freaking out.” During the first stage of the freak out, the user will become convinced of unseen, hindering forces that are out to get them. This sense of mild paranoia will chip away at the back of their brain until they become further convinced that they are surrounded by hostility. They will then enter a state of hysteria controlled only by a second collective unconscious that binds all those freaking out together in sort of a mob of lunatics. As the world turns bright red and crashes around the “freakers,” they’ll turn on the regular stoners; all adapted to heavy smoking of all kinds; and cause a mass riot; similar to a zombie apocalypse.

I can only imagine the reaction of the National Guard as they’re dispatched; probably underprepared to deal with the freaked and freaking. The Marines will be called in to replace the underequipped National Guard, and will stop at nothing to cease the insurgence of new stoners. Nuclear technology will become the only way to halt the invasion of the fresh-users.

So in short, don’t give in to these lazy suckers. Why should we endorse the idea of making the slovenly of society even more slothful? By keeping weed in the same legality that it is; illegal; we’ll actually be helping the bong-bearers enjoy their green-Jesus all the more. If it becomes legal, it’ll lose its edgy status and become a normalized routine. Think about it this way: a nap is gratifying because it’s under the clock, whereas a night’s rest is guaranteed every night (unless you’re genetically modified to live without the need to rest). The nap is the potentially jeopardizing high, and the night’s rest is the legalized high; nothing risky, and not really all that worth looking forward to because it happens all the time. Keep the stoners of America alive by keeping the heads up. 

Brad Brookins is a graduate of UW-River Falls.