Latest zombie flick creates rift
October 9, 2009
Falcons, have you ever seen a woman get her Achilles tendon bitten off by a balding, overweight, middle-aged man? I have. My friends, have you ever seen an old woman walk calmly to her door while being chased by a man covered in blood, only to pull a lever, which then suddenly drops a piano onto him? Sadly, I have seen this too.
My fellow academics, in the past 18 to twenty-some years of your life, have you ever witnessed a soccer mom suck the marrow clean out of a man in the middle of a highway? Yes, I know, but what can I say?
It’s true, all these I have seen and quite a bit more for that matter. But what’s important here today is not the fact that I have seen any of this, or that I have experienced it all within a succinct and crisp hour-and- a-half.
No, what matters here today is why you should never voluntarily follow suit and put yourself through these same experiences (even if you are a reviewer). For those of you who reveled in “Dawn of the Dead” or “28 Days Later,” subjects such as these might seem rather tame and arbitrary and you need not read further. For those of you, however, who like me have avoided blood, death, gore and violence from the early age of birth, you might want to make note. Scenes such as these will make you want to vomit urine from orifices you never knew you had, something I have never quite had the pleasure to say, up until now. So what causes such a passionate response you ask?
I’ll tell you: zombies. Yeah, that’s right: zombies, premiered for you (again) in Ruben Fleischer’s new film “Zombieland.” It’s that old chestnut, you know, the story of the lucky few who survive a world turned upside down by our flesh-eating-crazed fellows. So what’s wrong with that, Katie? Being a bit harsh aren’t we? I’m thinking…no, not so much, not this time.
People, I know what you’re thinking, but believe me when I tell you it’s not worth it! Sure, Woody Harrelson can act a decent bad-ass, and yeah, Jesse Eisenberg looks and sounds remarkably like Michael Cera, and alright, Emma Stone is a gorgeous leading lady, but who really cares when all you see them do is loot stores, destroy expensive cars, blow off zombie heads, or screw each other over? As a horror/ comedy, I understand that the plot is supposed to be a bit off base and that the characters are intended to be a little morally looser, but it’s boring.
Apart from a few scenes with the hilarious Bill Murray, I can’t really say much. Parts meant to be funny were either crass or gratuitous, and others meant to be touching or sweet were quite simply cliche and unoriginal. I’m sorry, but the story is old, and honestly, if you want a funny version, just push mute on one of the so-called “originals,” invite some friends to your place, and voice it over. I can practically guarantee you’ll have a better time.
I know, once I flash that one-star rating, some of you will be disappointed in me, but at least you didn’t have to pay seven bucks to feel that way.
Katie Heaton is a student at the University of Wisconsin-River Falls.