Saturday, April 17, 2021 Latest PDF issue  |  Give to the Voice  |  Search


Head colds stem from imagination, weak will


September 24, 2009

Okay, well, it’s week three and a half and everyone’s already sick. Good for you, especially if you’re a freshman who “isn’t ready for real class work to start.” I imagine there’s more than one of you out there right now not going to class because you had the sniffles. I don’t get sick much, and though I’ve been sneezing my ass off — and that’s it! — all day, I don’t plan on letting it get me down. I can see through the media BS that is reporting on H1N1, and it doesn’t scare me at all.

It’s all a load of fear induced, maniac freakage, and I’m not backing down. The only reason, and I mean ONLY reason ,I’ll attempt to get a flu shot is because it’s free. I’ll usually try anything once—especially if it’s free. Yes, that includes swine flu because it’s free, but the problem is getting my hands on that stuff… can’t seem to find any of it anywhere.

Can you imagine the horrors our government would have to deal with if we had to pay for health care AND swine flu? Now that might be something worth writing about next week … Anyway. I won’t get the flu because I haven’t had it since I was in middle school, and even that was coupled with a particularly nasty side of Salmonella poisoning.

I indulge in some not-so-healthy methods to college life like eating raweggs (only on rare, overly aggressive days), drinking cheap beer out of a thirty pack, choosing a cholesterol-fattened candy bar over a banana, but I do know how to take care of myself.

Every time I feel a cramp in my stomach, an ache against my lower back, or a sweat breaking out on my forehead I take precautious measures to stop whatever’s rummaging through my body.

Ninety percent of the time it’s my imagination, but that doesn’t stop me from chugging two liters of boiling bleach, injecting pure alcohol into my Femoral artery, practicing Tai-chi for three hours, then taking a nap.

One time the doctor told me I had something I care not to remember, and that I only had three weeks to live. Did that stop me from productivity? I think not—I gave myself a temporary blood transfusion.

When my body was fully drained, I sifted through my infected blood in search of hostile, unnecessary and harmful bacteria cells, ridding them from me forever.

When I was finished, I un-transfused my blood from the wolverine blood I replaced mine with and was back to normal. If that’s not a success story, then I don’t know what is.

On a side note, I don’t think I ridded myself of all the wolverine blood, and have noticed my hair taking striking resemblance to Hugh Jackman’s.

Here’s the deal: the media is blowing this way out of proportion. Just look at the symptoms of the swine flu—God forbid you get it and have to quarantine yourself under warm blankets all while dealing with diarrhea, vomiting, headaches, sore throat and grouchiness. Hmm … they sound A LOT like the regular, annual flu!

What’s this year’s real flu season going to bring us? Or is this the flu season? Did last year’s flu season have a furlough year to stimulate the flu’s economy, only then at the last second decide to work twice as hard this year? God damnit. This is just ridiculous.

Yeah. It’s the regular flu that came from pigs. Big deal. Get your ass to class. I don’t think you want to spend the rest of your life living in fear of disease and cleanliness when everyone who’s reading this has probably had the flu multiple times and survived. Go and flourish in crowded classrooms and take a chance every now and again.

Brad Brookins is a graduate of UW-River Falls.