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Opinion

Center of the universe located on campus

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March 12, 2009

So there I was, kicking ass like always when I started to feel the warmth of self-importance wash over my body. Suddenly it hit me: I am the center of the universe. As I became aware of this I felt the weight of all objects in our solar system and beyond tugging away at my shoulders. I needed more concrete evidence, so I embarked on a three-minute journey to the physics department in Centennial Science Hall. The moon, though hanging in the sky somewhere over China, shifted with me as I sprinted across the snow spattered lawns between the University Center, the Kleinpell Fine Arts building and CSH.

After booking like a bat out of hell, I made it to the physics department and promptly realized that no professors were drifting the halls because class was still in session. After a brief moment of hesitation I decided that it didn’t matter because I was probably the most important person in all the history of the world. I walked into a 100 level astronomy class, halted the lecture by merely waving one hand over my forehead, and thus commanding the 150+ class’ attention. My pupils ripped through the professor of science as if an Air Force fighter jet. I whispered three words, but they seemed to scream:

“Is it true?”

The professor responded with “yes, Brad. You are the physical center of the universe.”

The class erupted in a hail of applause as he then tried to explain the science behind it, but I didn’t listen. It didn’t matter. This is awesome. I am officially the coolest person I know, which is contradicting, because I thought that even before I became fully aware of it. I rule. I giggled to myself like a giddy schoolboy as I called my friends to tell them the good news. My good friend and former fellow student Dustin Leslie agreed. “It’s totally true, Brad are the best. I know because I’m the second best, and the second best knows almost as much as you,” he told me. That is a BS-less story.

It all makes sense, too, because I never make mistakes and I know everything. I’m so good at arguing that my high school debate team turned me away because I kept on stealing all the wins-even when we went up against the Ghost of Einstein and the all knowing computer thing from “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” “Because I said so” was my winning statement every time.

I am a Jack-of-all-Trades by nature and choice. I choose to know more than everything and choose to invent things that are physically impossible to make, like a rubber-band that shoots pellets of air-non-lethal, but it’ll knock ya down!

I counted to infinity four times in an hour once. Then I won the Nobel Peace Prize for attaining the highest number of Pulitzer Prizes for the “best screenplay” category-a category that hadn’t even existed until I showed up to the ceremony without invitation. I wrote six future Academy Award winning scripts in an hour that were read, judged and green-lit at the Pulitzer Prize ceremony that day. This is how cool I am.

I understand that I am the greatestÑthe world’s greatest, history’s greatest and future’s greatest. Nobody can beat me at anything unless I say so, and because of this I act normal most of the time because I don’t want people to dislike me and my awesomeness. I choose not to live a lavish life in my eight story mansion, which is located on the rolling, peripheral hills of River Falls off Highway 35. No.

I have the best ideas in the world. Think about it: How many public safety reports have there been these past few weeks? It’s because of my proactive involvement about the second offenders that turned this wet-campus into a rule following, intelligent institution. YES.

Anyway. I have so much ruling to do. People are going to be lined up outside my apartment wanting autographs soon, and I will have to tend to that. Until next time, have a super fantastic spring break, and I hope to see you all in two weeks!

Brad Brookins is a graduate of UW-River Falls.