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Opinion

Students ridiculed for weekend departure

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November 20, 2008

Hello again. This week I want to tackle something that’s been written, talked, complained and bitched about 100,000 times before, but I want my own personal shot at it. Actually, I don’t just want a shot at it, I want an entire 100-round drum magazine to shoot at it, so it’s like 100 shots in one take.

I’m calling you all out-those of you skinflints who pack your crap into suitcases so tightly that scientists have actually coined the phrase “neutron luggage” to describe them. With these weekend packs you leave the campus to visit mommy and daddy, the high school boyfriend or girlfriend or to see your little sister who’ll grow up dependant on parental discretion like a drug only to end up withered and shriveled like prunes outside of a Wendy’s a month after they go to college because, as I said above, they have next to no independence whatsoever. Now THAT was an assaulting sentence if I’ve ever written one.

That’s right, I’m talking about you folks who take off on the weekends and leave this small campus a desolate, dry and quiet place to be. I dread the end of the week when I have to walk or drive by the landing strip that runs from Crabtree to McMillan Hall as it buzzes with flashing orange lights like fat fireflies amidst a dark forest. I lived on campus for three years-the three most terrific years of my life thanks to the people that I met. These same people, the ones who stayed on the weekends, have helped me form friendships and bonds that are borderline obscenely strong.

But back to you! I’m glad the Student Voice doesn’t come out until Thursday night, because by the time you read this you’ll be gone for the weekend, and I’ll have already formed every counterargument I’ll need when you decide to write a letter to the editor next week. Bring it on, friendos. Statistics show that 98 percent of the students who leave every weekend suffer from Chronic Annoying Syndrome. CAS is the cause for frequent transferring from state colleges to community colleges, generally closer to the patient’s hometown. These folks diagnosed with CAS are most annoying between the hours of 7 p.m. and 1 a.m.-either on the phone with loved ones back home or in bed already, hoping for the next day to come faster and closer to Friday afternoon.

I myself will do this-go to bed early so that Friday afternoon can come the quickest, but I only do this rarely because I keep busy on and around campus. I was a move-in helper one year, way back in the day, and I had the privilege of escorting new first-years into their dorms, and man, if I had a quarter-pounder with cheese every time I saw a young female with a drooping face and ears walking hand-in-hand with her less than average boyfriend (football scholarship lost on account of an idiotic marijuana possession charge during high school finals), I’d probably be around 700 pounds.

Here’s the deal. I’ve been home maybe 10 times over the course of my college career (three-and-a-half years). I had a high school girlfriend who wanted to keep our relationship floating into freshman year, and I regret not disagreeing with the idea more than I did. Looking back I’m thankful I ditched her. I came here with no friends and had to work my way up the social ladder-a useful skill that took time to polish. I called mom and dad every once in a while, but that was it.

I’m instating myself as the Commander and Chief of Off-Campus Travel. If you want to leave this campus for the weekend you must set up an appointment with me and only me during hours only I agree to. The dress code is very strict, so wear a tie or a long skirt. Be prepared to offer a very brief statement claiming your case and reason for leaving, and I will decide if it’s a worthy cause. If there are more than 50 people on the list of interviewees, I will automatically cancel and decline those 50 proclamations due to time constraints. I’m everything you wished your professors were-I’ll cancel anything for any reason, anytime. In the wise words of Tom Cruise from the movie “Collateral”-“Take comfort in knowing you never had a choice.” Have a good weekend.

*All facts regarding CAS have been happily donated and proven by Science*

Brad Brookins is a graduate of UW-River Falls.