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Opinion

Student columnist designs new interrogation ideas

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February 28, 2008

So it’s the year 2008, and one of the biggest stories in the news is the debate about whether water boarding—torture or not—should be used against certain prison inmates to extract information.

Everyone should know that the C.I.A. has a long history of using shady methods and questionable techniques to get what they want. And every so often, a few stories about the C.I.A. will start a trend in the news, like what is happening right now.

Truthfully, water boarding doesn’t sound that bad. I think the C.I.A. is definitely bailing on us if water boarding is the best questionable method they can think of to replace thumbscrews and breaking wheels. There are all sorts of other, less controversial techniques ready to be used in your friendly neighborhood interrogation chamber.

And actually, I have compiled a short list of my creative ideas. Perhaps some undercover C.I.A. agent will read this and make note of my brilliant innovations. The main goal of torture is to cause the victim enough discomfort that he or she will spill beans containing certain truths of great importance.

Discomfort? I’m uncomfortable most of the day. I’m ready and willing to tell anyone all my national secrets. Forget the Judas Chair; the desks in KFA are enough to drive me to treason with their wobbly legs and oh-so-tiny writing surfaces. There’s a torture method right there.

Let’s continue with a pretty uncomfortable one. Let’s make that terrorist son-of-a-bitch pay for AND consume the entire Variety Big Box Meal from KFC. He’ll be checking his pants for at least twenty-four hours, plus he’ll stew from the fact that he spent $8 on deep-fried failure. If that doesn’t sway our traitor into spilling those magical beans, perhaps we can strap him or her down, and force them to (what?) while watching a commercial for Girls Gone Wild on eternal loop. Yeah, you think it sounds great now, guys. Just wait until you can hear how much fun the girls are having, for the four billionth time in a row. If I know where any nuclear missiles are kept by then, I’m telling.

Boy, that last sentence officially screwed me if I were ever to run for public office. But until then, I have more torture ideas for the C.I.A. to steal and tout as their own.

Here’s one I would never want to experience: force the victim to play Scrabble against George Bush until the lovable goofball of a president finally wins. Trust me, he won’t, especially if you steadfastly—and rightfully—refuse to accept any of his Bushisms as real words. The best part is, he’ll never, ever quit. Then the terrorists of Scrabble will have won.

That reminds me—it’s a little sad we don’t make fun of Bush anymore. Now that the election season has really kicked off, we’ve lost the old ways of complaining about Bush constantly. I miss it.

Here’s the last one: feed them hundreds of pounds of Peeps—those nasty little pastel-yellow turds you get a million of on Easter. Those things gross the hell out of me. After living on Peeps for a few weeks, anyone will be good and willing to spill their darkest, most secretive secrets. Force-feed me four Peeps and I’m done. I bet you never knew how persuasive a few nuggets of poultry-shaped excrement could be, eh?

Joe Hager is a student at UW-River Falls.