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Opinion

Stagnant locals supported by Facebook

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November 13, 2008

I have devoted the majority of my post-high school life to fighting one key concept. Post High School humans can be grouped into two large groups. The first, the “mover-onners” are people who, for the most part, go to college, make new friends and lead a normal life.

The second are the people we’re all afraid of when we go back home. These people may have gone to college, but go home every weekend to hang out with high school friends.

They may have not gone to college and now life for them exists as a part time job at Subway, while hanging out with high school friends every night. These people are the “locals,” also known as “yokels,” also known as “yokes,” also known as “lifers,” but more commonly known as losers… and idiots.

For them, high school is the top of the mountain. I consider these people my fundamental enemies. They are a detriment to society, sort of like political science majors. Also, they are the sole reason that my wife won’t go to Applebees in Coon Rapids, Minn., prohibiting me from eating boneless buffalo wings on a regular basis, making them my mortal enemy, which is why I must break them.

The group of high school graduates who, in some way or another, live this stagnant existence has increased exponentially since the creation, and subsequent rapid expansion, of one grand evil: Facebook.

Facebook, with its bumper stickers and walls and hugs and kisses and some weird friend that you don’t even remember sending you some stupid application every single day sucks. But it didn’t always.

Facebook used to be great; it used to have a purpose, but then became engulfed with greed, like Bilbo Baggins. I too, at one point in time believed in Facebook and spent way too much time on it. I too had subconscious thoughts like, “I wonder what Joe Bagodonuts has been up to since we put honey in Lucy O’Callahan’s hair in third grade,” but not any longer.

How many times have you started with Joe Bagodonuts only to continue to people you’ve never even heard of looking at pictures, adding friends and sending bumper stickers for four hours, only to wake up with your head laying on the keyboard after a Facebook overdose. It happens, it’s happened to me, but I promise you this: it will not happen to my child.

Facebook is a drug. It is a drug, much like cocaine…well not really at all like cocaine, but it is a drug, kind of, and there are people who become addicted.

Facebook is making millions upon millions of dollars every year because of the exploitation of all of us, and it is time for it to stop.

Caleb Stevens is a student at UW-River Falls.