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Opinion

Facial hair detracts from first impressions

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February 28, 2008

Mustaches, whiskers, goatees, soul patches, sideburns, beards and scruff. Whatever you call it, it has to go. Facial hair is a thing of the past, plus its simply unattractive.  Unless you’re Ron Jeremy, the face pubes are unnecessary.

Don’t get me wrong, not all guys look bad with facial hair but it needs to be groomed, boys.

OK, so you woke up late and didn’t have time to shave before sprinting to class but it should be done the next day.  A week’s worth of growth is not classy, it’s just plain lazy.

Women shave their legs at least once a week. Even in the winter, like clockwork, we’re in the shower for an extra 10 minutes diligently scraping four blades up our already dry legs.

Seriously? Is it that hard to bust out the Norelco and give your face the once over?

Mustaches are for porn stars and dirty bikers. When was the last time a girl said to you, “Wow, your mustache is really attractive.” Probably never.

The worst part is sharing a meal with a man who sports a mustache. More often than not, he’ll get food stuck in it and then you’re stuck with the task of pointing it out. Do you shampoo that thing? And don’t even get me started about kissing a man with a mustache. It’s like making out with a cat.

Moving on. What is up with the goatee? It’s like a rebel mustache took over your chin. Is it there to catch the food you can’t seem to keep in your mouth? When they get long you look like a billy goat. That’s an attractive picture. An ornery, gray billy goat chewing a mouthful of grass. Hot.

And what is the point of a soul patch anyway? It just looks like you couldn’t grow a goatee so you decided to keep just the little spot under your lip. It’s like women leaving a tiny spot of hair in between their eyebrows when they get them waxed. Um, no.

Oh sideburns, how men love them so. Let me just say, not all sideburns are unattractive, just the ones that are so far down your face that you can shape them. What are you trying to get us to notice with the pointy corner of your sideburns? Your face? Mission complete. As long as your sideburns are well groomed, there’s no problem with them.

Ah, the beard. What are you hiding under all that hair? Does your face make babies cry? What is the purpose of a beard? I know guys usually grow one during deer season to cut down on windburn but the last time I checked deer season ended in November.

Get with it guys. Your face is the first thing a girl notices, especially if it looks like a squirrel’s ass.

Megan Leoni is a student at UW-River Falls.