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Opinion

Horoscopes by Beth: Finally over

Bethany Lovejoy

May 2, 2018

Aries

You’re going to pass your finals by the seat of your pants and, quite frankly, I am amazed. I always knew you were smart, Aries, but when you spent all last week watching the movie “Labyrinth,” I admit some doubt was sown.

Taurus

You’re going to develop a weird Pinterest obsession and try to do a bunch of super ambitious projects that turn out mediocre.

Sure, gluing twine around that mason jar seemed like a great idea, but now you can neither wash it nor hold it comfortably. Your wedding party-esq decoration is now the single most useless thing you own.

Gemini

Better luck next year.

Cancer

You have studied.

And studied.

And studied.

And now you’re going to be tired, so very tired and so very done. You’re gonna go to sleep and fall into a pattern of oversleeping for the first week to the point where you wake up a few days later and go, “what.”

Leo

You’re going to pack super last minute and it’s going to show.

Sure, it seems like a great idea right now to put everything in the same box, but come next month when you actually need something you’re going to be angry at past you.

Virgo

You went to the puppy petting zoo about eight times last week, but now you’re done with giving.

It’s time to receive.

You’re going to go see your dog and all will be well in your life.

Libra

You may be upset because the year is over, you aren’t going to see any of your friends, and you’re pretty sure you failed that one final, but …

“13 Reasons Why” is coming back soon and that’s a good show. You have something to look forward to.

Scorpio

You’ve been scarred since watching “Infinity Wars,” and it’s borderline sad. It’s time to come out of the bed and see the world again, you little hermit. Go eat some Burger King, some Long John Silvers or at least something.

Yes, it was horrible and everyone died, but this doesn’t have to be your life. You can love yourself.

Sagittarius

You did amazing on your finals and it’s time to treat yourself. Go to Qdoba or Taco Bell, don’t waste your time with the organic E.coli factory that is Chipotle.

Also Qdoba serves rice without soapy cilantro in it, so it’s a real improvement.

Capricorn

You’re probably going to get a goldfish. His name will be Steve and he will not be long lived.

If you cannot afford a goldfish, please draw a goldfish on a piece of notebook paper; now look at it.

Think of your poor financial decisions.

Aquarius

You’re going to eat a lot of Chinese food.

Like until soy sauce becomes a problem for you.

Maybe you should think about your bad life choices and make better ones next time. Definitely healthier ones.

Pisces

You’re going to spend your entire summer playing “Dark Souls.”

Get good.

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