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Opinion

Horoscopes by Beth: the super unpredictable awakening

Bethany Lovejoy

February 8, 2018

Aries
This is kind of weird to say, but the Aries constellation is aligned with the great pickle of Mars, so it’s gonna be a weird week. You’re gonna be a little salty, briny, green?
I think green.
You’re gonna turn a little green, hun.
Pick up some red concealer and try to fix that color wheel until you got that whole weird situation figured out. You should likely stay home.

Taurus
Did you know that Horoscopes are hard to write?
Well now you do.
Horoscopes are hard to write and Jupiter is in line with Saturn.
Try figuring that one out. Like, should you stay home? Will you find love? I don’t know, the stars say that’s your business this week.

Gemini
You can throw democracy out the window.
No, just like throw it. Not in a communist way, but you can throw democracy out the window. Mars is aligned with Gemini and you are just super strong politically this week. I mean good for you, that’s totally awesome, but try not to go overboard, buddy. No one really wants to know your political beliefs.

Cancer
You know those old silent film movie stars with the drawn-on eyebrows? Like, the really thin drawn-on eyebrows? Straight up took a sharpie ultrafine to their forehead? You’re going to try and make that work this week.
Props to you because that would be the largest style change of this decade. Honestly, though, sometimes you just gotta leave things in the past, man.

Leo
Honey, you’ve got a big storm coming. There’s love on the horizon, so get to the horizon.
This person is going to be tall, dark, handsome and vaguely described. Totally go for it and fill me in on the details when you get him. I believe in you.

Virgo
There’s some shady garden tools in your life and you just need to throw those rusty old tools down.
Pluto has slid into the “oh boy” position and you gotta tell some people to check themselves before you wreck them.

Libra
You’ve been listening to our Lord and Savior Hulk Hogan and I know it. Not only are you looking like a WWE superstar, but also your pasta-making skills are on point.
Just remind yourself that there’s always someone in the corner waiting to chair smash you back into reality. Don’t let them pin you to the ground in the ring of life.

Scorpio
You gotta chair smash Libra.
I know what you’re thinking: “Why would I do that?” But listen to me. Libra is a weirdo who somehow got the idea in their head that they were Hulk Hogan.
Case in point, are you going to let Libra disrespect a WWE legacy? Ignore the bomb pasta they’ve been making, you gotta do it. And when you do it? Pin ‘em to the ring.

Sagittarius
Hey dude, are you on a campus tour? Because it’s about to feel like you are. Like, a well-trained tour guide, where other people are gonna mention weird facts that are just going to make you want to do things.
Such as come to UWRF, the nicest school thirty minutes from the Twin Cities.

Capricorn
Wow, your life is just falling apart.
Maybe take a nap or something: a break, you know?

Aquarius
Girl, we both know you’re poor. Mercury is not in the money position for you.
Watch some Netflix or something.

Pisces
Do you read movie reviews? Because you should read movie reviews. Like the one by me.
I mean, it’s not great or anything, and you definitely won’t know what the movie is about, but … Really what else are you doing with your life?

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