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Opinion

The basic guide to food critique

Bethany Lovejoy

November 1, 2017

As we know, it is every basic white girl’s duty to either run a food blog or own a food Instagram.

As a professional daughter of a restaurant owner, I am an unofficial professional when it comes to food. We’ve spent a few years in the sit-down food industry, and I’ve also frequented quite a few restaurants. Therefore, it is my job – nay, my duty – to inform you of the proper ways to judge every single type of restaurant.

Mexican:

It is a fact bestowed by God that every Mexican food item is to be judged by its rice and its rice alone. Bland rice at a Mexican restaurant is not only an insult to Tex-Mex, but also an affront to the American food god.

It does not matter as much, however, if they have good hot sauce. A good hot sauce will numb you to even the worst of rice. Similarly, a gracious amount of cheese should move said restaurants up  in your ranking unless you are someone who doesn’t enjoy happiness. Cheese costs like ten bucks on campus, so get as much of your complimentary shredded cheese and wood pulp as possible.

Anywhere that serves burgers:

Promptly order the largest burger there. It doesn’t matter if it is nineteen pounds – order the largest burger you can pay for and bite into it.

Does it taste like beef? Good.

Put a lot of ketchup on it, even better.

Wait until the nearest patron gets tomatoes.

Decide that is an appropriate size for tomatoes.

Receive said tomatoes and immediately discard them because it is not an appropriate size, as there is not an appropriate size.

Bam, you just reviewed the heck outta burger joints.

How to review bars:

I cannot legally drink so I am not a master of bars yet, but my basic understanding is to order hot wings.

If the spice level is so high that you cannot taste it, you have successfully ordered hot wings. Compare those hot wings to all other hot wings you have ordered; is it hotter?

Hotter equals better.

Burn your skin.

Also something something eat the cheese curds.

How to review Chinese buffets (only go to Chinese buffets):

How much food did they let you take? Was it truly unlimited? If not, zero stars out of zero stars.

What is the mouth feel? The salt ratio? Is there soy sauce?

Soy sauce equals quality.

Do they limit how many crab rangoons you are capable of grabbing per a plate, and do they let you take a second plate for crab rangoons? Really get the mouth feel for these rangoons, the more cream cheese the better.

All other buffets:

See rules above.

Remember, a major part of any food review should be how photogenic it is. Be willing to give or take three stars based on the lighting of the restaurant and the presentation. To become an elusive food stallion of epic food reviewing, you should be able to shove food from every type of restaurant mentioned above into your mouth at the same time.

If you are incapable of such a thing you shall never be a true food blogger.

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