‘In-Lawfully Yours’: Don’t sleep in a dead wife’s bed
This week I watched a Jesus movie.
Now, I did not seek out this Jesus movie; I just literally did not realize that it was something else. Like, it’s called “In-Lawfully Yours,” so I was expecting … I guess not Jesus? But pow, Jesus movie.
The movie begins with some heavy scatting as a woman walks into a hotel room to find her husband having rigorous intercourse with a younger woman.
“I’m so super-sorry, but Chaz and me really love each other,” says the younger woman to his wife. His wife is not about it and informs him that his father is straight up dying. The dude, named Chaz, manages to tear himself away from love-making to go see his dad die in the hospital and later attend his funeral with his soon to be ex-wife. Only they tell no one that they’re getting divorced because their lives are not the most important thing when a man is straight up dead.
Dead, dead, dead.
At the funeral, Chaz’s wife straight up assaults a man and pushes him into a grave. He turns out to be the pastor and the husband of Chaz’s dead sister. Chaz’s very alive mom is like, “Yeah he’s good.”
Chaz and What’s Her Name get into a fight, so he informs his mother that they are getting straight up divorced. His mum is like, “Whatever,” and invites her soon to be ex-daughter in law to stay with her and help her pack. This infuriates Chaz and he leaves.
The mother has Chaz’s ex-wife sleep in the mother’s dead daughter’s room, because wow.
The mother meanwhile forsakes her own bed and sleeps on the sofa, sorrowfully.
Chaz goes to a dinner before he leaves and informs his former side piece that his ex-wife is evil and she should treat her badly. He gives no reasons, but she’s pretty about it. What a good friend.
The pastor who got pushed into a grave is named Ben. Ben doesn’t want the mom to leave because she would lose her community, so in order to prevent her from leaving, he abducts What’s Her Name and drops her off in a random block in the middle of nowhere. What’s Her Name basically points out that this is screwed up and no one cares.
He thinks it will take her a while to find her way back because she is a busy woman. She informs him: “It’s really time consuming to just wander around a neighborhood and try to find someone to sleep with.” She’s right, this is in fact very time consuming.
I realize that this is a Jesus movie.
So the church buddies are still up in the mom’s home like a few hours later and What’s Her Name has found her way back. The church buddies are doing some heavy judging, but she basically informs them that Chaz isn’t anything and needs to go away. They do not believe her.
She has unimpressed many people, so she goes to church. At church she asks questions during the sermon. This is not how church works. She is a bad person according to the older people at church.
After church they are talking about how well the mother is doing. It’s not well. She is doing bad. They realize she has gone missing and wonder where she went in a church.
Is it: A. Her dead husband’s grave out back. B. The altar C. The kitchen.
It’s her dead husband’s grave: give yourself two points for getting that right. His mom is straight up using that acting school; she’s crying like she’s never going to see the light of day again. This woman is practically pulling out hair.
Acting like she’s a normal human being and not just a fifty-year-old woman who went full on horror movie on a grave, What’s Her Name invites the mom to the movies. The mom ditches her but sets her up with someone else. This someone else is Ben.
Ben is a 0/10 and looks like a cross between Will Ferrell and an off-brand Seth Rogan. Not a babe.
What’s Her Name looks like the mom from “American Horror Story” murder house.
In between implying that she puts out for two point five dollars and touching this man, they talk about What’s Her Name’s bad choices.
“You married a man named Chaz for stability,” Ben says. The reality of this mistake does not hit her, and she does not care. What she does care about is macking this man; they go full on lips out ablaze. But also not making out. Because tongue is for marriage, my dudes.
Ben falls into the bushes and no one cares. Guess they closed mouth too hard. She goes back to church but is not super into Jesus because he has guided her there with his masculinity. But church is not a place for questions, so she gets referred to a different place: Sunday school. Apparently she can’t not be the center of attention for longer than five minutes, however, because she storms the church with kids in hand and asks even more questions. The camera zooms in on a very angry woman.
She and Ben meet up at a dinner and he invites her to be head of the Sunday school. He also asks her to be his girlfriend. These positions are connected. There are 37 minutes left in this movie, therefore something has to go wrong and end their new relationship.
Chaz comes back to make things wrong. Chaz says they aren’t divorced, but they totally are. He then shames her and the pastor for having relations with each other and does so in front of the church. The older people are aghast at the idea of their pastor touching this woman with his mouth when she is married.
“How am I supposed to fix my marriage when my wife is being lusted after your wife?” Chaz asks, word for word. The mom is all mad that What’s Her Name doesn’t want to make things work, and she disowns her son’s ex wife. What’s Her Name is sad.
Then the waitress turns against Chaz because there are fifteen minutes left. His mom also turns against him because the demolition man came and informed her that Chaz came back because he wants her out of the house so he can have it demolished and pay off his massive debt.
Same on the massive debt thing, Chaz.
What’s Her Name leaves town, but she can’t leave Jesus. She goes to an infinitely better church that lets her sleep on their benches. Here she learns that forgiveness and moving on is in the Bible. Ben lets go of his dead wife.
What’s her name goes back and asks questions, then makes out with him. The whole church is about this very graphic public display of affection.
For some reason everyone is her friend now. Also, she has a baby. This is the end. They dated for like a month and got married and had this baby.
I did some squats out of anger.
This movie would have been okay, had there been babes. Or if there been a real plot, had things not been so inhumanely gross and weird and she didn’t sleep in Ben’s dead wife’s bed?
It would have been okay.
But it’s not. This movie was suggested to me by my grandma and I hope that my grandmother thinks about what she has done, because this is not the best movie in the world. This is painful and awkward and horrible, and why do these people have such weird relationships? Like yes, you can unofficially adopt people into your family. But don’t set up the girl who’s sleeping in someone’s dead wife’s bed with said possessor of a dead wife.
0/5 babes. Worst movie.