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Review

‘Tragedy girls?’ More like strategy girls

April 25, 2018

Everyone knows that women (or just the ones I hang out with) are into the three Ms:

Masks, McDonalds, and murders.

Who can blame us, right? That artisan grilled chicken really has me tripping, too.

This week I watched “Tragedy Girls,” which only concerns the last thing on that list. If you haven’t seen “Tragedy Girls,” plan to see it; and if you hate spoilers, you might as well find the feather and leave this newspaper in an awkward place, like usual.

The movie opens on some heavy face eating action, which is always encouraged in my life and should be embraced in yours. However, it’s pretty obvious that the girl in this face eating situation is not happy with said face eating, which is no bueno. She is, however, totally into looking around and getting this dude to look around in the woods. He goes, mainly because he hears something, and who is there but a serial killer waiting for them.

He does a little machete throw, the dude’s head splits in two and the girl starts running away.

Then she starts running back with her friend, who is a 10/10 lady babe (the girl is also a 10/10 lady babe.) Anyway, so these two run up to Mr. Murderface, abduct him and then drag him back to a warehouse.

“Good morning Mr. Murderface,” Mkay, the really cute one with curly hair, says super cheerily. “Please teach us how you murder with your murdering stick so we can murder and start a social media revolution.”

But Mr. Murder is like, “Um? What? No? Also why am I tied to a chair? How does this beginning make any real sense? And why is…”

“The sound track so good?”

“Yeah.”

That was pretty much their conversation and everything. Except not. The good music just started to flow.

So Sadie (the make out girl) and Mkay (short for Makayla) go to school, where the death of their friend Craig is dismissed as just some dude running away, and they get super angry. They are super angry because they wanted to use his murder to start up the idea of a serial killer nearby and earn Twitter followers via this.

Now they have to find someone else to die, which is surprisingly easy. Mkay’s ex-boyfriend is super popular on social media and consoling half the school, so if he dies then everyone will cry, right?

They murder him via a combination of spikes on the road and a knife, and this pretty much works well enough at the whole killing thing. Mkay makes out with him like a hungry vampire and comes up looking similarly like a hungry vampire. But sadly, this murder also ends up looking like an accident, and they still have a really old guy tied up in a storage unit for nothing.

This makes the girls sad, but they make a video for “likes” regardless. Because of said video, we meet Jordan, their guy who edits the videos and stuff. It makes sense that Jordan does this because this 18-year-old high school student looks like a 47-year-old man. He looks ten years younger than his dad, who is, like, the sheriff and stuff. Like a young Steve Buscemi trying to blend into a high school setting.

So the question lingers in the air for like a hot second: Who will they murder next? The answer comes in the next hot second when someone suggests they cut the prom budget and give funds to the poor families of the dearly departed students (the prom thing is a little important, so highlight it to come back to). Enter Syl. Syl enjoys not murdering people and charity junk. She wants scholarships for doing good and is the captain of the cheerleading team. She’s also friends with the second embodiment of Velma Dinkley that I have ever been forced to acknowledge in these reviews.

So they kill her and stuff using a table saw, then dismember her body so there’s no doubt that a serial killer did it. While doing this, these messy girls (who live for drama) get a little dirty and have some blood on their shoes.

Resident 40-year-old Jordan calls out Mkay on this and she explains that it is her period blood. This is a viable answer. He brushes it away; after all, this is believable of a 40-year-old man in a world of college-aged students.

Now the girls are social media popular, which is all kinds of cool. But social media is a fickle thing – you gotta post more than a few cat pics to stay up with the times. So they decide to murder again. Creepy man tied up in a storage unit, whose main purpose is to show up only during small transitional moments in the plot, is all like, “Mkay, Sadie doesn’t like murder as much as you.”

And Mkay is like, “Shut up, she loves the three M’s.”

Their murder victim is Big Al, who promised to gain vengeance for the poor fallen students and correct this tragedy. They murder him in a gym and have to drug him to do so, because Big Al is big. His murder is identified by incapable police as a murder so, like … good job police.

Jordan senses that spooky things are happening in the town and blames it on Mkay, likely because of her massive period. He tells Sadie and Mkay he doesn’t want to work with them anymore and steals Mkay’s phone, the inside of which apparently looks like a 4chan board in the early 2000s …

My understanding? Bad.

So Sadie saddles up and rides to Jordan’s house to murder him. Jordan is all like, “I love you so much and Mkay is dangerous.” And Sadie is not about that because Mkay is her life, her love.

I really hoped they’d kiss and be happy forever. Just a little murdering club of love and joy.

Before Sadie can murder Jordan for suggesting her (maybe someday) girlfriend is a murdering murderer, a murdering murderer shows up! It’s the storage wars dude – he is no longer tied up! He straight up machetes Jordan and I’m like, “Buh-bye.”

But then Sadie saves him, and calls 911, and the murdering man runs away… Into the arms of Mkay, but not romantically!

Now Sadie is a hero and her and Jordan are dating. Mkay is mad because Sadie is her life and is like, “Fine then, have your sad prom.”

Okay, so, sad proms. When I was in high school, no boy took me to prom both years because I was a weird little girl. So I ended up taking off my shoes, letting my feet hang over the side of a boat deck and eating lukewarm meatballs from a buffet tray.

But these girls prom?

Amazing.

So Mkay takes a murderer and Sadie takes Jordan, who turns out to be kinda a jerk. After Jordan insinuating that my beautiful, brilliant baby Sadie can’t get into Kent State, I was like, “Buh- bye,” and I knew he would die.

And lo’, some bad things happened.

Mkay lured Sadie and Jordan into a locked room and offered Sadie a chance to be with her, the love of her life, or die with Jordan. She also has serial killer man to back this up. But when serial killer man brandishes a knife at her baby girl for even a moment, she shoots the man dead.

Then Jordan is all like, “You’re not like her, you don’t have to stay with her. You can be innocent and not murder like Mkay.” Which is hilarious because he just found out that Mkay and Sadie both murdered his mother when he was like 8. He must be the most dense person alive, because they love each other. Like, they straight up say they love each other.

Sadie hangs him for his insolence. She then goes and holds hands with the love of her life.

The budget for prom was spent almost entirely on flammables, so they light up the school and frame the murder man for all of it, amassing international fame. They then go off into the sunset to college to live together. The most blessed, wonderful babies ever.

It gets 4/5 stars. It didn’t have the make outs my heart desired, but it had the murders I needed to make it through the week.

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