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Review

Beth’s trailer predictions: movies to maybe see this summer

April 18, 2018

A wise prophet once said, “Where there is Panda Express, nearby there lay Taco Bell.” This was said by me; I am the prophet. What it means, within this context, is that where there is mediocrity and stress (Panda Express is sort of a low point food for me), up ahead lies the joys of creativity and cheese.

Sweet, sweet, Taco Bell plastic cheese.

On that note, it’s been a fairly stressful week in roomhold (just my room, which is just me). Therefore, we are going to look towards the sweet cheesy future at movies I will maybe (probably not) see.

Super Troopers 2:

I’m probably going to see this, maybe. But it’s not going to be one of those good movies that all your friends and family come to watch. This is going to be one of my low point existential crisis movies. I mean, the trailer is essentially one long Canadian joke that makes you deeply concerned as to who greenlit the movie.

Chomp:

The trailer opens with a little girl in fairy wings seeing a megalodon shark, which definitely kind of appeals to my sense of impending doom with upcoming finals. I think it’s a thriller, because there’s a bald dude and bald dudes don’t star in horror movies. The thing that’s probably not going to be cool is that the trailer strongly hints that a dog dies, which is a big no from me.

Solo:

I’m going to see this movie because my father loves “Star Wars” more than he loves me. Also, Donald Glover is in the trailer for this movie, and he’s a 10/10 babe that I would take multiple buses for. The only downside seems to be that the Han Solo is like a 6/10 babe, but Chewie is looking like a 50/10 Chewbacca.

Infinity War:

I’m going to hate watch this because the trailer is such an obvious grab for your money that it’s almost sad. Shout out to Marvel for overloading our senses with characters in a movie that we know will lack any significant character development or overall plot direction.

Incredibles 2:

Wasn’t super about it. Saw Edna Mode (No capes!). Was about it.

American Animals

At first the trailer gave me the idea that this was a horror movie and I was not about this, but then I saw that the okay looking dude from American Horror Story was in the trailer for this, and that it’s about stealing books. If there is one crime I can get behind in this world, it is obtaining knowledge and being vaguely babe-like.

Mary Shelley:

This movie is about the original goth, Mary Shelley, and alludes to her horrifying world. From losing her virginity on her mother’s grave to hating her father, Mary Shelley was a 10/10 broken-hearted teenage youth who you need to properly experience in order to appreciate the goths. This lady dealt with people cheating, a weird fascination in ghost stories (likely rooted in the fact that historians believe she was super about her mom because her dad was the worst and self-centered and cared mainly about his desires) and freakin’ rich folks. Of course your girl is gonna turn up for Gothapalozza.

Hot Summer Nights:

Though this movie is very evidently about attracting women and selling weed, I’m going to watch this solely because I can count the number of women in the trailer upon my hands. I know in my heart that it is another 1970s movie that is rooted in how great it was to be straight, white and male in that time period.

So it’ll be like diet bad.

Dude:

This is another really evident drug movie. Which, you know, is great. Weed movies are a thing now, I guess, and I can’t argue against it. The only difference in this is that it stars female stoners, which is somehow innovative.

Of course I’m going to see it.

Also, it comes out on 4/20 … Which means we might review it next week.

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