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Review

‘The Little Hours’: Velma ruins everything

April 11, 2018

This week I watched “The Little Hours,” which is about nuns being nuns and doing un-nun things.

Supposedly it is based upon some great piece of Italian literature that changed the world, which makes sense because it is a very thoughtful movie. The movie stars three beautiful sisters who are very kind and compassionate towards all they meet. They are as follows:

Alison Brie, a nun who is looking for love in a cruel world.

Audrey Plaza, a nun who struggles with anger issues obviously forced upon her by the devil.

And, of course, the one girl who kinda looks like Velma Dinkley, a narc.

Each have their own personal struggles. Alison Brie struggles with the reality of the fact that she may never get married, Audrey Plaza struggles with her ties to another religion  and Velma struggles with being the worst person in the world.

They live in peace at the convent until one day a mean, angry farm man looks at them with eyes of pleasure. They can only react with fear and disgust, which drives them to the unholy act of beating the man up.

The father is sad, because this beating makes the man want to go. The poor father must transport goods made by the lovely nuns to town so that he may sell them and earn holy funds. He now must leave the convent in the hands of no one; a tragedy.

A few miles away, Dave Franco gets beaten up for sleeping with that grumpy guy from “Parks and Rec” ‘s wife, which raises a lot of questions as to why this woman can not appreciate a good man.

Dave Franco may very well be killed, so he runs deep into the woods. Within the woods he sees a poor drunken man who has lost his wares to the river … the father! The father is drunk because all he had to drink was wine and therefore is wary towards Dave Franco’s glistening hands. Dave talks him down and rescues his wares.

They both sit and drink wine very briefly, having a conversation about Dave Franco’s sins. The father decides this man is worthy of redemption and takes him in, stipulating that in order to work at the convent, he must feign silence and pretend not to hear.

When Dave inquires as to why this is to happen, the father replies something along the lines of, “They’re going to beat you until you, like, die or something.”

And Dave is like, “Okay.”

He begins his work and captures many eyes of many nuns, all who desire the compassion and bravery beneath his tanned skin.

But lo’, the path to temptation is too deep; all must pursue the loins (love nest) of Dave Franco. In this pursuit, their very faith is shaken and many hearts (just Velma’s) are breakin’.

Velma also just proves to be a horrible person and tells on everyone for being involved in witchcraft, eating blood, fornicating, losing donkeys conveniently and taking drugs. This is because Velma is a spoil sport.

Being honest about this movie, it’s a bit slow at times but still a little hilarious. Dave Franco was a 10/10 babe and Molly Shannon was in it, so I can’t really complain much.

0/1 Velmas.

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