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Review

What’s your favorite breakfast? ‘One Small Hitch’ is a little weird but a little good

February 28, 2018

This week our movie caused me to reflect on many aspects of my life – namely my favorite breakfast and my hair color.

“One Small Hitch” is a romantic comedy recommended to me by a very cool lady who works at the Involvement Center and may or may not be one of the best people I’ve met.

Now, I’m not going to say it’s good. I accept the reality of life and therefore acknowledge that even though I love romantic comedies, they are seldom ever good. I personally don’t watch romantic comedies for unpredictability.

I watch them mainly for crying. Spoiler: this is week two of me crying.

Molly is a good Irish Catholic girl who is just trying to get some, if getting some means getting married and having a family. She looks like every single choir girl I’ve met, and she wears excessive headbands. If I had to guess what she smells like, it would probably be something quirky like pancakes or sunflower seeds.

Molly is dating this dude named Lance for, like, a hot second. He plays instruments and is a horrible person. He probably smells like adultery, because he is cheating on his wife and – whoops! – Molly his mistress. But not a knowing mistress – just a coincidental mistress. Accidental adulteress.

Molly was going to go to her mom’s wedding with Lance, but then his two married buds saw their fellow married man at the marriageport and were like, “Hey bro, where’s your wife and who is this random harlot?”

So Lance was #fakenews and, as this is 2018, #over.

Meanwhile, over five miles away or something is Josh. Josh’s girlfriend wants to marry him, but Josh hates this. Josh breaks up with his girlfriend. Josh goes to the airport. Josh wants to get laid. Josh sees a hot chick. Josh tries to get laid.

While Josh is in the middle of his primal man mating dance, Molly shows up and is all like, “life is meaningless, my life is sexless, no one loves me, and my mom is getting married for the second time—because we have family values!”

And Josh has to abandon his train for a more enticing location.

Josh and Molly get on a plane, and Molly is a mess. Josh’s parents casually call him and let him know that his father is casually dying of casual-ancer.

Not a specific cancer. Just the big “C” word. Also, he is not getting treatment at all and looks the same as always because this is late cancer.

Josh’s dad is like, “You know what the saddest part of this is? I’ll never get to see you married, which is my dying wish. It’s too bad you’re obsessed with slaying the pink dragon, because as your father it would have been really cool to just see you married or something. Not trying to be rude or anything, Mr. Dreamruiner. Just would have been cool is all.”

And Josh says, “I’m engaged to Molly.”

Also Josh and Molly’s families are BFFs and Josh is bros with Molly’s biological bro.

Try to keep up, bro.

Molly wakes up and says, “I hope no one made any decisions that would possibly affect the lives of me and others. That would totally suck. Like lying to their parents or something about being engaged to my homely self – that would be absolutely horrible.”

“Bad news,” says Josh.

So they go home and attend this wedding, some Jewish jokes are made (Josh is Jewish), Molly is given Josh’s grandma’s engagement ring (all the women around them immediately go delusional with joy) and Molly starts getting the hots for Josh.

While they’re up at Molly’s mom’s marriage ceremony, Josh sees a hot homewrecker hanging about. She is blonde, because in romance movies that is the requirement to be a homewrecker. I am also blonde and look forward to this theoretical career of wrecking homes.

At first, homewrecker Giselle is like, “You’re getting marriage?” She does some waggle brows and makes sure he knows that she still wants him. Josh is all about this, but then Molly comes up and is like, “let’s hang, my man.”

And so they hang. And get a little drunk and then almost kiss. But only almost, because Josh falls asleep.

The next day, Josh is awakened by his mother with Molly in her underwear up in his grill. Josh’s mom doesn’t care, since you see a lot of underwear in like 50 odd years. All Josh’s mother cares about is putting him to work (he does it), getting them to stay longer (they do) and what Molly’s favorite breakfast is.

Apparently, this is just a conversation you are destined to have in your life because his mother seems pretty weirded out that he doesn’t know. Then he decides that it is steak and eggs and Molly gets to have steak and eggs, which is apparently not her favorite breakfast because everyone raises eyebrows at this. Which means in these two families, breakfast is taken seriously.

Josh tells homewrecker that he is not engaged and homewrecker rejoices; she is a homewrecker no more. Instead of being a romantic comedy stereotype she evolves into “lady who wants casual sex but is otherwise not notable.”

Molly is not about this barely-there blonde, however, and starts dating other men. Josh’s mom is also not about barely-there blondes, because she sees him full on macking her face off near an elevator and is mad.

While Josh is having wild commitment-free intercourse, Molly shaves her lady gardens into the shape of a heart.

Josh has commitment-free intercourse, Molly goes shopping. Josh has commitment-free intercourse, Molly has her bachelorette party.

And then, bam.

They have commitment-free intercourse together. This naturally throw Molly out of whack and she calls off the wedding. I start crying, as per usual.

Josh is like, “OMG no! My true commitment-free intercourse party!” And Josh’s dad is like, “I’m having a heart attack! Oh, just kidding it’s acid reflux.”

Same, Josh’s Dad, same.

Everyone rushes to the hospital, including Molly. Because if he’s gonna die, she’s gonna be there.

Josh shows up with his barely-there blonde and his mom starts freaking out. He explains that Molly and him were never really engaged, but he sure would like to be.

Molly freaks out and decks him. Then they get engaged and everyone lives happily ever after. Except for the unnecessary after-credits scene where Molly gives birth to Josh’s spawn and they name it after his father.

I’m going to be real though: it was a great movie. The guy looked okay, kinda like McDreamy, but if McDreamy didn’t look constantly punchable. The girl wasn’t that annoying and the blonde wasn’t as mean.

You know, it was actually just a good time.

3/5: predictably a good time.

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