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Review

The Creamed Corn of Romance Movies: ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

November 15, 2017

I’ve been threatening to review “Fifty Shades of Grey” for a while now, and have finally gotten around to it.

I watched this movie in a room with my three roommates and ate pancakes during it, so maybe that has affected my emotional response to it. Keep in mind that my senses may have been dulled by pancakes and people.

“Fifty Shades of Grey” is actually based off a “Twilight” fanfiction called “Master of the Universe” (I have a very long history with fanfiction), so I was emotionally prepared for this. I watch the “Twilight” series every November, as you do, and still hold many of their excellent soundtracks on my Spotify account. So with this being far enough into November that I had definitely rewatched, I was ready for this mess to begin.

Anastasia Steele is a graduating literature major, the major that movies automatically assign to anyone who is supposed to be intellectually stimulating but sheltered from the many evils of the world. She has a sick as heck roommate who is a journalism major and probably needs this to graduate or something, therefore must go in her place to interview the uber-sexy master of the universe, Christian Grey.

Only he’s not the master of a universe, he’s just rich.

I wasn’t quite sure what he was rich for, but I immediately assumed that it was probably weapons manufacturing or something else. To be honest though, it has to be something morally sound and boring because Anna did not care what this man was about.

After the two have some sensual interviewing and sensational elevator riding, Anastasia (who is just going to be referred to as Ana for the rest of this column) goes home and eventually to work.

She works at a hardware store – it might have been Lowe’s or the Home Depot? I think Lowe’s and the Home Depot did not want to be involved in this movie adaptation, however, therefore it is just the hardware store. Christian shows up to her workplace, having stalked her in a very, “I-probably-manufacture-weapons-for-dubious-clients” way.

Christian is like, “I would like to buy some zip ties, and rope, and tape; You know? Maybe just a gun or something on top of that.”

And Ana is all, “Ha ha, that doesn’t sound like you’re going to go murder hitchhikers on the road.”

Very suddenly, Christian is all, “Do you wanna get coffee?”

Ana replies, “I mean, sure?”

Christian says, “Haha, too bad, I’m too wicked evil for you. Lol, bye loser.”

You think I’m kidding but that’s basically what happened behind all the awkwardness.

Ana graduates from college and gets crazy drunk.  Her trademark friendzoned guy friend is hanging all over her.

“I love you, also I wanna have nonconsensual intercourse with you,” Friendzoned Guy Friend™ states.

But if there’s one thing Fifty Shades is about it’s about legal consent. Christian shows up and basically says, “Whoa hey, rape is bad and you suck, I’m taking her home where I will not do the do with her until she is able to properly consent.”

I like Christian because Christian has basic human values.

Ana wakes up in Christian’s home and is still a virgin. Christian basically says, “I do not love you but I would like to do the doodly bop with you, please sign these pleasure papers which legally protect me.”

And Ana is like, “Oh, but I’m a virgin! Fresh and clean as virgin snow!”

Christian does this creepy thing where he licks his lips and goes from like a ten on the 1-10 creepy scale to an eleven, “Even better.”

So Christian takes her to his playroom, which does not, in fact, look very fun.

I didn’t know there were numerous types of some of these things, but now I’m kind of like, “Christian, once you’ve seen one whip haven’t you seen them all?”

They do the doodlybop.

Or at least I think they did.

It was just a lot of extreme panning close-ups of several different body parts, basically. At one point there was an ear.

It was very exciting in the, “maybe this plot will limp along more kind of way.”

So, Christian becomes a total sugar daddy and buys Ana all this stuff, like technology and transportation. The things that a freshly graduated student wants but doesn’t technically need. He could have just spent that money on loans and this movie would have become so sensual to the college crowd.

And Ana’s like, “I want you to meet my parents. I want to make love!”

“I only do the doodlybop,” says Christian, gruffly.

Ana goes home to see her mother like halfway across the country with the money that a recent graduate of college has.

But then suddenly, Christian.

Christian shows up and does the doodlybop? Makes love? Maybe he just does the turkey tango, but I don’t know man.

Christian’s actor is a literal brick of a person. He has two emotions: anger and arousal. They probably could have subbed him in for an actual brick with a face drawn on it and changed the eyebrows periodically. I wouldn’t know the difference.

Ana comes home to do some more stuff with Christian’s butt.

Christian is sad, however, because he believes that he is a sexual deviant and can never love. But despite having lost the place in his heart capable of love, he still feels it for Ana.

Ana, trying to understand this guy is like, “Man, show me how you would punish me.”

And Christian is all like, “Okie Dokie, drop your trousers.”

And he hits her butt many times with his belt. Gross.

I sat there and reflected how my life had gone this downhill as it happened.

Eventually she gets upset at the hitting of her butt and basically says that he is a monster.

Christian is all wrong for her and she hates him, so she leaves.

Christian is alone and slowly puts his belt on (gross).

This movie was supposed to be the be all end all of movies, the absolute cream of the crop of romance.

Really this movie is more like a can of creamed corn.

Maybe I would have been more about it if the characters weren’t a brick with a face on it and a weakling from home depot, but it was boring.

The pace moved at the speed of an eight o clock lecture and the setting seemed to be gothic art deco hellscape.

The promos made the playroom look cool as heck, when really it was just a room painted red. Also someone had to install some of his more prominent pieces in the room, which makes me think of a forty-year-old man shaking the hand of this twenty-something as he directs all of these men with wives and children to place the bipbop flipflop table over by the swing of sensuality.

Did I hate it?

No, I’m definitely going to see the next few movies before I decide that.

I guess just give it a 2/5 because it had promise but was weird.

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