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Review

‘Made of Honor’ is not made of greatness

October 11, 2017

“Made of Honor” starts with what is perhaps my favorite reoccurring movie plot, a playboy falls in love with an actually okay human being and gets friend-zoned. Said man then waits until his best friend is about to be married to ruin her life and take out any love rivals.

The movie opens on a man walking around in a Bill Clinton mask. In an amazing impersonation of the man, he tries to get in bed with a girl who invited him to her room. However, instead of her being there he ends up getting into the bed of her geeky roommate, a girl who was supposed to be in the library.

After being maced with body cologne, he decides to tell her that he is going to be a great inventor one day. You know, as you do.

His idea? The coffee collar–a cardboard tube that goes around coffee cups to prevent them from burning you.

This man is a national hero. He’s met bono and slept with half of this girl’s floor. I immediately love him.

He gets turned on by people being honest with him. Hannah, as the girl’s name is declared to be, tells him that he is ugly. Tom, the man, is played by Patrick Dempsey, also known as McDreamy. I’ll let you decide how dreamy McDreamy is.

McDreamy goes to this coffee shop, we find out that he is mega rich due to the fact that he receives a dime for every coffee collar used. He puts a coffee collar on a woman’s drink. Ten cents later he drives off with his coffee cups, both donning collars, to see the girl of his dreams. He has earned himself a total of 30 cents in the five seconds we’ve seen him.

Hannah has blossomed into a beautiful art restorer who also enjoys Chinese food. Hannah is the type of person I would spend hours with; she’s sarcastic and deaf to nutritional laws, and she proceeds to eats a ton of Chinese food and talk about cream cheese. Emotionally, I connected with her.

Hannah and McDreamy talk about his dad and how his dad has a new lady every month. Hannah’s invited to the wedding of this lady, but McDreamy is all upset that it’s even happening.

Hannah gives McDreamy the best life advice: “If someone’s doing something you disagree with, just say, ‘I’m happy that you’re happy’.”

They go to his dad’s wedding and watch the attractive gold-digger esq. girl-hustle. Respect. McDreamy is all mad because his dad’s bride is a sugarbaby, but dances all of his irritation and distress away with Hannah. The camera zooms in on Hannah while slow music plays; Hannah has fallen in love.

I imagine the same thing happens when she goes off to Scotland to restore art, because she comes back and is all about marrying this one guy.

This guy is a Duke. Respect.

So, she met this dude when he saved her from a bunch of cows in a thunderstorm. He rode a horse to save her. I immediately love this Scottish Duke more than I love McDreamy.

Also, while she was gone meeting this awesome dude in awesome Scotland, Tom had this dumb realization that he’s in love with Hannah and is done sleeping with multiple ladies.

Anyway, so Hannah is get married in Scotland to a man who uses the word “fortnight” and owns the largest whiskey distillery in the world. Colin, the Scottish guy, is a huge catch.

McDreamy is upset because Hannah asks him to be the maid of honor. McDreamy does not care about long-term whiskey acquisition, which would no doubt be a large amount of alcohol.

McDreamy’s MARRIED friend tells McDreamy to ruin the wedding using his position. McDreamy is dumb and goes along with this.

McDreamy meets up with Hannah and Hannah’s bridesmaids, and they have a wonderful dinner meeting while the bride is not present. There is the traditional wedding movie snafu where one of the bridesmaids thinks she should be the maid of honor.

I quickly ignored this as they moved onto the next typical wedding movie issue; one of the bridesmaids says too small of a dress size. They all roll their eyes at this girl and ask if she wouldn’t like a size twelve instead of a size eight. She says no because she is on a diet and will be size eight in two weeks, then she will meet a Scottish man and be happy.

If the girl didn’t end up happy I would have given this movie a 0.5/5.

McDreamy proceeds to throw the worst bridal shower in hopes of making Hannah hate Scotland. This goes well as he is identified by her grandmother as, “The fornicator.” He proves he is not a fornicator by having a woman come and sell personal devices at the party. You know, as the entertainer.

Anyway, so Hannah is upset that McDreamy ruined her bridal party, low-key drops a hint that she won’t be coming back to the states, then bolts to Scotland for her wedding.

Tom spends all this time learning how to be a good maid of honor, which is also the same as being a good person.

What he should have been doing, however, was training for the Highland games because the second he shows up in Scotland they want him to toss cabers left and right.

Apparently Scotland is just a land of men and hunting, because literally every second they spend in Scotland proves that Colin is the manliest. He literally shot everything they ate.

Colin is awesome.

Hannah is rapidly being turned off of Colin, but Colin is just aggressively cool.

Anyway, McDreamy decides that there weren’t enough stereotypes crammed into one movie and writes Hannah’s vows for her. Hannah nearly kisses him, but instead has to get her stag on for stag night.

Hannah and McDreamy make a grave mistake and kiss each other.

McDreamy makes a grave mistake and has a woman show up (unprompted by him) to his room for intercourse, then Hannah shows up and decides not to talk to him because obviously he was into his nonconseual sexual relations.

Hannah decides that since Tom had a woman in her underwear atop him, she should get married to Colin, the hot Scottish guy.

I agree completely.

“I can’t be your maid of honor. I can’t give you away. I’m sorry Hannah.” With that, McDreamy drives away.

Colin tries to comfort Hannah and move past the incident.

And the movie ends.

Only, you know, this is a wedding movie. So McDreamy sees a dog and dogs are really the only non-Hannah thing he loves. Seeing that dog makes him remember his favorite dawg, Hannah.

In the vein of many other wedding movies, McDreamy rides off to save the love of his life from a perfectly okay guy. Right as they’re saying “I do,” McDreamy rolls in and tells her she looks ugly as heck.

Also, he loves her.

None of the rest of it matters, however, as the girl in the size eight dress successfully manages to date a Scotsman and we can only assume later marry him.

The movie was predictable, as all wedding-themed movies are. The only thing that really saved this movie from being a cliché was probably Colin punching McDreamy right in his McFace.

I’d give it a 3 out of 5.

All in all, the characters were likeable and well-rounded but the story was not. Everything was predictable, all conflicts could have been easily resolved, and to be honest? If you want the audience to root for the main character over Colin, maybe don’t make Colin the human embodiment of Gaston.

Everyone loves Gaston, even just a little.

If someone could point me to a wedding movie where the bride doesn’t end up with someone else I would applaud them and say their name in my worst Bill Clinton impression.

On that note, if you have any movies that you enjoy and would like to recommend to me, get in contact.

 

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